Mojo and the travelling grasshopper...

Starting over.

2011-01-06T23:25:00.002-05:00

I havn`t really blogged in a long time.
This year I`m going to be trying to get my brain working again because I`m applying for law school for Fall 2012 but have been out of school for years. As such, im going to taking a bunch of open course classes and using this page to mark my progress. At the moment I`m interested in taking a Heidegger class, a game theory class, an intro to chinese class, and maybe one more. I`ll post next week what i decided to do and then start posting my notes from the lectures.

back.. kinda

2009-06-05T08:45:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone.
At work so can`t post long.. but wanted to say that I`m still alive.
Going to See Last Target on wednesday... pumped. hehe
I`ll write something more meaningfull soon...

The king of the world died today... all pipe dreams are Cancelled.

2008-11-28T08:26:00.002-05:00

Wow, i havn`t posted on here in forever....

Turning 27 recently, the number 30 has started to scare the shit out of me. I know i know, age is just a number and there is no set plan for life and we don`t have to fit into anyone elses box of what should be accomplished by what age.... and i know i know I only suffer from the same quarter life crisis that many of m generation seems to be facing.... but the fact remains that i`m 27, 40k in debt with only a BA with unimpressive grades to show for it, no where near a decent job that I can say is going to go anywhere, unable to commit to a relationship that might go anywhere, and living paycheck to paycheck. This limbo of self created nihilistic circularity is growing this and though i keep having more and more experiences and though i am slowly moving forward... I`m already saying what people in their 40`s often say... I wish i could turn back the clock.

But enough wining, i:m here now and the only thing that remains of the past are scraps of paper and fading memories. Time for bigger steps or at least bigger focus. Time for routine again to show its ugly head so that i might focus on getting things moving again...

I have ideas.... but waste so much time. Time being one thing that is at the same time worthless and precious, meaningless and soling meaningful.

At the moment I at least have a few things to keep me busy, though nothing that's keeping me moving. I`m working on my Japanese on the slim hope that it will be useful if i can bribe my way into law school. I`m also thumbing around some business ideas to maximize the money I can make while treading water.

Girls seem to be coming into and out of my life.... The good ones slip out of my fingers because i can`t seem to convince myself to hold on strong enough. I still miss a love I once had that was neither good for her or I but who haunts me dreams even though it has been some time. I ended it out of practicality but I think it was I who suffered most by leaving...

My dreams have been as scattered as I have been. The internal turmoil of the last 12 months seems to be growing but more so out of nothingness then out of actual problems. My life is good, I have good friends, family that loves me and gets angry when I`m out of touch...

But i think that all that has come before this leads me to say that there is something missing... something i once had and lost along the way... something that might not be attainable again or even desirable and of which can never accurately be but into words or described...

So from here I make my line in the sand. From here I cannot look up or out or in. From now I draw a line with the unknown which is ultimately the self since the self is the lens that makes everything else.

Including lines.

2008-10-03T03:18:00.002-04:00

Its probably been said a thousand times a million better ways then i can say it... but here it goes anyway....

When one becomes the other to oneself how can one not be anything but lost. Yet, how can one NOT be the other to ones Self since any sort of self exploration or self identity must first leave the Self in order to look back. But once one has left the Self the Self from which one has come no longer exists as such, but rather exists as a preceived thing. A myth. Said again, if in seeking the Other i create an other which is other then the object of my attention then it seems clear that the same things must occur when i look at myself. Thus the ever so famous `know thyself` is an impossibility. The Self (in-itself) cannot be known. If this famous phrase of worldly wisdom is to mean anything at all then it couldmean to `Create A self`. But even this seems to be someone redundent since one cannot help but to create a self and the self which one creates can never match up with the Self that one actually is. Thus introspection can be nothing but a sort of conflict or civil war between the Self and the self. Or rather the Self that I am and cannot know and the self that I create but is not me.

The only light at the end of the tunnel may be that our famous phrase might be saved at last if it is changed even further. `Create a self in which one might be happy to be` In that even if the Self cannot be known atleast that effect of the Self may be seen, implying that it may be known When the self and the Self seek a truce which never the less acknowledge the inability to converge. Of course, `happiness` here is but the word in which i have placed meaning in and thus need not expand to your own interpretation.

ok so i really have not thought this to the end and the opinion is somewhat laughable, old, and unintelligently presented... but atleast im thinking again....

2008-04-01T20:26:00.002-04:00

So i have a job interview on friday and if things go well i'll be headed to Japan the first week of July and headed to either Tokyo or Osaka. Either way i'm headed there right before the hottest time of the year and i possibly may die.

meh, Anyway, I signed up for the LSAT today. Not sure if i'd make a good lawyer... but atleast im tryoing to get my options open. IF i was jsut a little bit smarter or rather, if I was rich, i'd head to grads school... but i'm not either and thus the pragmatics of life may win over my idealism. On the other hand, i'm applying ot grad school to and letting the fates decide.

In other news I met a girl.

...

2008-03-18T23:21:00.002-04:00

Dreams unreachable due to self created barriers and the inability to commit with force or action...

Slowely becomming more and more incommunicatable while at the same time the walls that carried me no longer inspire...

A room with no windows i keep speaking the same story

i know things tire...

but nothing holds

and

I just want something to move me to passion and catch me for more then a moment.

So as luck turns out...

2008-03-18T16:45:00.002-04:00

I woke up a little on edge and sitting there waiting to be dosed i repeatedly reworked the odds of getting the high dose. Then something strange happened. I guess I managed to leave a good impression on the parametic because although no one is supposed to know who gets dosed, he decided tha to tell me that I was placebo bound.

2 Days later and I can say that he was being honest. Instead of all the puking and delusions that i was afraid of I have spent the last few days playing poker and reading the books that i had randomly in my backpack.

So it seems that my luck has finally turned positive again...finally. In 2 weeks i'll be able to pay off 1 1/2 credit cards and have some breathing room until the next study.

The next thing on my list is to get back to studying. I can never study for anything with i'm in a drug study... I'm not sure why, but ive never been able to study in confined spaces. Sitting at home i get NOTHING done, but heading to a noisy starbucks I can study non stop for hours. But with 2 months left until the test i think i'm still in the clear.

On a side, i'm finally going back to cornwall this weekend for the holidays. if your in Cornwall let me know and we'll go for beer.

Hitting up my scetchiest study ever.

2008-03-16T23:50:00.002-04:00

a Long string of bad luck and i find myself really strapped for cash. To be fair, it is my own fault. I returned from Japan with my credit cards 3/4 paid off but between Christmas spending, apartment set up, and my high tolerance and general generosity when i drink and the holes in my pockets i found myself with no food money. Then came the dry spout of studies, and unexpected bills. When i actually got into a study i developed the stomach flu and couldn't even leave my bed let alone join the study. So, despite my better judgment i recently entered into a sketchier study.

At first it didn't sound that sketchy. Its for a new high dose THC based drug for cancer patients who have an immunity to the lower doses. The negative part is that I have no such immunity and neither do the other study participants. Here's the sketchy part. I am in the 5th group to do this study and in all 4 groups before me there have been some crazy ass side effects. I have a 1/4 chance of getting the highest dosage and of those who have gotten it there have been only a few that have managed no bad side effects. most have puked for days, a couple went to the hospital, and atleast 1 person i know of went temporarily clinically insane. I start the study in the morning and i'm a little nervous. After this study i definitely cannot get myself into this situation again. But, with the 2300 i'm making in the next 5 days at least ill have a jump on things.

On the other hand, if I see any talking rabbits i'll be sure to tell you guys next time i get a chance to get online....

wish me luck.

bad luck

2008-03-14T07:49:00.003-04:00

well it seems that I have been struck by a string of bad luck that has left me jobless, foodless, computer less (living in internt cafes now) and with -1.74 in the bank....

BUT, you guys know me... i bounce back quick and am always scemeing for the future. I'm writing my lsat's in a few months, might volunteer in india again, and then moving back to Japan. Lets just hope i can survive this reign of bad luck and make it until then....

2008-03-03T20:41:00.002-05:00

It is usually the little odd coincidences that sparks a smile on my face... and it is these smiles that carry me forward on the worst of days.... Today i wrote on my face book that i was a dreamer and a drifter who lacked confidence... Several hours later i recieved a cleverly disgused spam mail, the kind that usually annoys me, and found a crude message that left me with a half crocked smile on my face... the message read:

"A man who hangs loose and hangs large has more confidence when dealing with women."

ok so i'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.

Anyway, So ive been milling over a book idea. i'm not a great writer, but if the idea hasn't been done then the ideas atleast is gold. Luckily enough, its an idea that would commit myself to a long term project... one that will take long enough for my writing skills to catch up to my thinking process.

It seems that the more i try to focus on studying for the LSAT the more i tend to find myself thinking about anything but. But then again, i think i am just passing time anyway. Just standing still trying to get any barings possible before i jump yet again off another bridge hoping to be caught by the invisible man.

um ignore thaT

2008-02-20T09:04:00.002-05:00

Ok so new rule....
no more drunk posting.
lol
ignore that last emo rant

2008-02-20T02:54:00.002-05:00

So ive discovered that i'm not that great at being single.... or rather not that great at picking up at clubs or the like. The funny thing is that the old saying is true, when one is content happiness finds you and when one is looking it is like one is in a canoe with a hole, no paddle and a gator near by... There I was thinking that she was enjoying talking about existential fiction along side traveling tales.. that my lack of dancing skills was minuet in spite of the conversation.. only to find out later that she was just humoring me... Of course a bar is not exactly the place you would think intellectualism would fly, but in the very attempt i shows my awkwardness. I’m sure that if I HAD been in the position to be witty I could not have been.... And so the joke is rather that I’m like a limping cat in a dog show as of late...
Now, I’m not looking for pity here. Of course I know that the moment I’m ok with being single again i’ll have met someone or someone else will be back in my life or whatnot... I guess I’m just restless and miss having someone to wake up to without wondering if they will be there again... Ironically, it seems that once the opportunity comes for just that I seem to run and hide.... If there is a shrink out there reading this I’m sure I have a "commitment issues" comment coming... But truth is, I’m just waiting for someone worth dying for.... or maybe something worth living for.. Even for just a day...

Can't sleep

2008-02-04T02:20:00.000-05:00

230 am and have to get up in a few hours.. but can't sleep. Some mornings I have to be up by 5 and other mornings i don't go to bed until 5... so you can probably guess my mental state as of late....

Still, some peace has arrived. I worry to much about the future. As long as i keep moving forward i have nothing to be ashamed of.... and so, lets leave that all to the side. but, on a side note... to those who have been following my wailing about the future and my ever changing ideas about what to do next... After I write the LSAT it looks like i might also try for the GMAT...lol. not sure where this is going to lead.. but we'll see.

So today was mostly a wasted day. Got out of my drug study this morning at around 7. After a study the loss of blood and sleep usually messes up my internal clock for a few days so basically i was no good until around supper time when i finally started doing a little studying.

As of now I have a hodge podge life. i'm taking 1 class at york (A fourth year philosophy of law class), a Japanese class coupled with a japanese cultural exchange, studying for LSATS, and doing 1-2 studies a month. Its an odd life but atleast i'm being semi-productive. On my off time i'm searching out programs on the internet trying to atleast narrow the options for the future.

um.. ok so this post is completly dull... but i'l have some more adventures soon... might head back to india this summer and then back pack china on my way back to japan... (since i didn't go over christmas after all) .. if that works out i'm sure i'll get myself into enough trouble (as always) to write about....
until then.. sorry for being lame.

2008-01-31T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm loosing ground and gaining ground every day. I confuse myself in utter annoyence...

Because i joined classes half way through the year i could only get into 2 classes meaning it won't have any effect on my average after all so i'm wasting my time. On the other hand, i'm doing drug studies again soe i'm making 500 bucks more a month then I was in Japan so i will hopefully pay off some big bills before summer. Then again no i'm not moving forward in terms of career or school, but if i can keep myself movivated i'll be using this off time to study for my lsats (back up plan) and improve my japanese.

in the end i'm having a hard time not being lazy. spending the last 2 years buming around (lets be honest, i never did work that hard in japan) trying not to waste time is a hard task.

I think i'm just rambling here... things are good mostly. Heading back to Japan for sure this summer after I apply to a million schools. But i have a high B average so i'm not getting into anywhere that will be promising. Not that i have counted my chickens.... but its going to be an uphill battle i'm thinking... Of course its do-able... but at this point it can go either way. At 35 i'll either be living out of a box or making decent money... and really its a flip of the coin...lol

ok so i think the winter hybernation is really making me wako...lol

2007-12-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting waiting for my flight back to Canada and trying to get my head around the fact that I’m leaving this place. (That and trying to get through a hang over since my friends bought me a lot of liqueur which we all drank very fast before we said our good byes and I got on the bus to Tokyo. Its been a week of tears and free booze). Not my home, though maybe more my home then anywhere else, its been a really hard experience getting ready to say good bye. I’ve just scratched the surface of the language (I suck) and have not experienced half of what I should have while being here. The next 6 months back in Canada thus are not about being home (since I don’t think that I am particularly bound to Canada), but about giving me a 2nd chance to get my shit together and then get my ass back to Asia. I’m going to do a semester of school to try and get some good grades, up my gpa, get references from profs so I can apply to grad school. I’m also going to do the LSAT’s and apply to law school too. So somehow I have to turn into someone I’m not. I have to somehow buckle down and focus for 6 months. My friend Michael is the ideal of what I have to be this next little while. He studied for 2 months for the GRE’s and had the focus of a surgeon. He said himself that his life sucked for that time being that he was either working, studying at the gym or sleeping. I think he granted himself one day off a week turning town many invitations for nights out and turning into a temporary sort of hermit. But, in the end he scored a crazy high score and now will have a lot of doors opened to him that he did not have before. Those that know me well know that I am not the type to be able to focus long. I am too social and too easily diverted from seriousness that the chances of my pulling this all together with the results I want are pretty slim. But I’m going to try.
And then, while I wait to hear back from schools about my fall 09 application I’ll head back to Asia. Its funny, There are many reasons why I would want to choose somewhere else to go next. For example, economically in the short term Korea pays a lot better and the cost of living is a lot cheaper. Though of course the style of living is a little harder to adapt to. In the long term, it seems it would probably serve me better to learn Chinese or Arab instead of Japanese since these two are, and are predicated to be, the most profitable languages in the world after English. But, after spending 10 months working on getting a basic understanding of the language there is a part of me that does not want to start over. Of course, 10 months is nothing and my skills are so low that starting over would probably not be the end of the world. I’m always changing my mind about everything and in the end its hard to know where I’ll end up... but I do love japan and will be back. If things stay as they are now I’ll be back this summer and staying till grad school. We’ll see.

crazy

2007-12-12T22:57:00.001-05:00

so guys.. i'm home soon... at airport... arg! i don't want to leave!

will post what i wrote on the bus here later... see you guys soon!

when the sky falls you never stand still.

2007-10-24T21:32:00.000-04:00

So it seems that i have this knack for creating options out of chaos and giving myself ways out even when things come crashing down. Something small that was not really an issue turned into a monster which led a company to try and protect itself, and left me homeless and without a job in a country I love but still don't understand.
I was given 4 days to find a place to live and find a new job or have to go home. Well, its been a week and I’ve managed to find a place to stay that is a lot cheaper then where I was living, (free till Christmas)and now I'm working at a bar and also working for myself doing private lessons and clearing more per week then I was at my previous job. The cool thing is, I’m making more then I was before and most days only working 3 hours.
But, in the week in which I’ve managed to save the world.. or rather my world, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I could stay here and make some decent money. I could build my client base and see what being an entrepreneur feels like...
But as anyone that has ever read my blog knows, I am continually ranting about how I would love to go to grad school even if there is more money to be made else where and even if I might fail. So, I’m going to make a stab in the dark. At Christmas I will hand over what I’ve managed to build up so far to a friend and come home for a stint. (I’ve been surprised at how easy it has been to build a small client base) The plan is to head back to school for a semester of non-degree status. I’ve been told that if I can work my ass off and get at least 3 A’s and a B plus (though I’ll aim for 4 a’s) I can erase the effect of 2 bad marks from 3rd year and get my overall to a high B+ (now a B) and my philosophy grads to a A- (now a B+) This will also give me time to suck up for some academic references which currently I do not have and also give me time pick a school and start talking to profs from the school I want to attend. Then in the summer I’ll apply to grad school, and maybe do my LSAT and apply to law school as a back up plan, and then head back to japan while I wait for the answer.
Yess I know that I always seem to have a different plan and that this is just another in a line of many, but this is all I’ve got.
So ya, I’ll be buying my ticket soon. In Cornwall dec 20th for the holidays and then headed back to Toronto to upgrade something I already finished while people I went to are either already in their careers or are in grad school... I hope I’m not being crazy.

2007-10-02T08:57:00.000-04:00

quote of the week...

"The end. Aaaaaah! Plat. Finished... not a nice way to die.... the best thing would be to break your neck , but you'd probably just break your leg and then you couldn't do anything. You'd yell at the top of your lungs, but nobody would hear you, and you couldn't expect anyone to find you, and you'd have centipedes and spiders crawling all over you, and trhe bones of the ones who died before are scattered all around you, and it's dark and soggy, and high overhead there's this tiny tiny circle of light like a winter moon. You die there in this place, little by little, all by yourself... "

2007-09-09T13:45:00.000-04:00

its better to follow ones heart and fail and then turn to a second option in defeat then to coward onself into practicality... so grad school it is. But, practicality must prvail at some point, atleast so much as to not poison the future too much.. so i have to pay off some of this debt first.. atleast the stuff thats not osap. So i need to pay off 15k asap. Don't think i can do that in 10 months, so although my every hearts desire is to go back to school fall 08... i'm going to have to put it off till 09. But, no matter whats going on at that point.. i have to go back. I refuse to be a "i wish i had" type of guy....

the only thing that bothers me.. am i poisoning my future by starting later.. or would i be poisoning my future by going back with so much debt still lingering...

ok so there are other things bothering me... but i was never good at making actual life decisions.. ive always been more of an overthinker who acts at the last moment when action is all that is left....

in other news, I find myself knowing myself more these days. I am of amn of good intentions but weak will. I am the nice guy who ends up being the villian because he is not honest or atleast knows not himself. This being said, it comes to reason that though i'm glad i'm not them i really respect my little brother and sister... one married the other engaged and both on life journeys with much of the play already set up...or atleast direction. I can't even say who i am or what i want... and....
ok so i'm wining alot today...
shop that, ive ben over complaining alot as of late... maybe soon i'll be able to get my head on straight...

crap.. i have eventually make a choice...

2007-08-31T15:40:00.000-04:00

ok, so here it is... My heart says go to grad school... though i'm only a mid B average student... though i know that i will never be rich and never publish anything worth while as a mediore philosopher...... though i will have to struggle to pay the bills...

and then i am faced with another option. Go to teachers college and make decent money and have summers off and enough money to pursue philosophy/ writing/ travel on my own terms... but then to have a job teaching the same things at an introductory level that limits the amount of questioning that can be done and is strangled by procedure and guideline...

Law school, the previously stated option is not one. I am a decent thinker.. but not on the spot. I need time to think out my position and passion of the moment often blocks logical progress....

So the question is.. does one choose passion the limits but makes one happy...knowing that poverty is imminent... or does one choose a means to pay for things that are outside of the range of that means. should ones work be the dream or can ones work be the way to allowing for the dream. Is 8 weeks of intellectual freedom and monetary safety during that time worth taking a step down? Or is it a step up?

I have something like 2 months to decide...

2007-08-13T06:12:00.001-04:00

well, i:m waiting for the bus and about to climb fuji.. lone. long story, but its good. i have been way to pathetic in the self motivation area as of late and i think this will hlp me clear my head. Ive been going through alot and doing alot of stupid things as of late... ill tell later... but needles to say i think fuji and i are simular beings.. i:ll let you decide what that means.

hmm

2007-07-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

Ok so its come apparent to me that I need to get my ass in gear. Yes I like to have fun, and yes I’m in japan and it’s a palce to have fun... but I have some major debt and it hasn’t gone down any since I came here (ya I know I came here to pay stuff off...) Unfortunately for me there have been some key factors in my ability to save
1. Showed up in Japan with 500 bucks and didn’t get a paycheck for 6 weeks so I kind of owed some people some major cash from the get go.
2. I live alone. I’ve never lived alone before and I now realize I HATE it. With no bodies around I either spend way too much time doing nothing... (I find no motivation to study in silence... I’ve studied with noise around me for too long) or find myself frantricly looking for something to do to keep me out of the house. The upside of this is that I know a lot of people... (though unfortunately with the high turnover all your time spent making foreign friends is out the window every couple of months. But, I’m trying to make more Japanese friends these days)
3. I like to drink. This kind of goes hand in hand with number 2 as to why I’ve been spending a lot of money.
SO, from here on in I’m going to try and find a ballence.

The good news in all this is that between my bonus and other things even if I don’t save any money I’ll walk out with 4k to put on bills.. .but I need to get 15k worth of bills paid off before I go back to school.. So um... time to bleed some money.

2007-06-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

i ran accross this on a site and thought it was funny...A good account of why i miss and not miss being in school...

The Five Stages of Reading Derrida, Lacan, Freud &c
1. Clear some time in your schedule.Due to the fact that reading the works of any of these fine fellows will surely occupy an expansive amount of time, you should certainly cancel any and all obligations, commitments, appointments, and dates in order to fully realize the infrastructure necessary to consume, with all attainable mastery of that which constitutes "reading", the works, essays, texts, symbols, hieroglyphs, lines, shapes, and interruptions of white space by black figures that may (or may not) comprise the expression of minds of genius on topics essential to our very understanding of the manner in which we communicate, by and under which, we live out our very lives. Estimate at least twenty to thirty minutes per page.

2. Stand on your head. This will promote circulation to the region most active during your safari into decipherment and descent into descanting.

3.Hide your clocks.Having to regularly view these wretched contraptions will simply remind you how much time has passed since you began reading..... yesterday.

4. Be careful when releasing anger and frustration.When you finally become so entangled and embroiled by that which has captivated your attention for a span of time exceeding that of any other span of time representing the length of duration that measured the completion of work for other classes, you may feel the need to release this frustration by manifestation of such emotion in the physical realm in which we all (are under the perception that we) live in. It is necessary to take care. Never aim to cause harm, bodily or otherwise, to small children, household pets, the elderly, or yourself. Inanimate objects, while intricately woven molecularly into the grand web of being and thus exist as a mere extension of the animate form and essence, are typically fair game. For instance, hurling the book in your hand which contains the evening's selected reading should produce a sensation of euphoric ecstasy. Merely remind yourself to aim said book-become-flying-object in directions opposite of other living creatures.

5. Quit.Quitting is hip and in vouge. Besides, all those signifiers on that page really do not signify their intended significations. In fact, fuck it. It don't matter none anyhow. Jest relize that wurds relly dont mene nuthin at'all. They jus' bes hows we tryin to say shit n shit. So, at this point, use that there phone an go head call up yo freenz and go drink... alot... cuz you'll be all tired an shit.

ugg

2007-05-01T01:25:00.000-04:00

well.. it seems that uncontrollable circumstances have forced my hand.
Before i can do any more school to pursue ANY path I have bills to pay. I have 4500 in credit cards dating back to my stupidity in my first years of college, a computer that is STILL not paid off, and I have to pay off my 10k line of credit that my parents keep telling me is causing them too much stress because they are co-signers. (Kicking myself for going to private school for half of university... though still happy I did) Toppled on to this is the 30k I owe in osap and the couple hundred dollars I owe to a few friends...and you see why I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t even consolidate to lower interest rates because I’ve been late on a few payments. I’m sending half my paycheck home but something always comes up to chip away at what I send. (like the recent bank holiday that cost me 75 bucks in nsf charges cus the money was stuck in transit) tie this up with the fact that though I LOVE Japan and want to stay here... it is too expensive to live here when I loose half my paycheck. I THINK I can have my credit cards payed off by the February... and so I’m going to go home for a month and then move to Korea where it is cheaper to live and where I’d make more money.
It sucks when your 25 and you know your going to have to put your life on hold for a few more years... especially when all your friends are already on their way or have arrived to where they want to be...
Of course only things of the future and finances are bad. Life here is good. I have a good girlfriend, good friends, and am keeping up with my philosophical readings. But, to be sure, I can’t wait until this cloud is no longer over my head....

whining part 2

2007-04-22T13:21:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking frantically as of late about what to do for the future... yet all actions seem counter intuitive. My heart is telling me to screw it all and continue digesting life as I have... it hasn’t failed me yet... but the other part tells me that in my life I have always ended up falling behind because I’ve taken to long to decide... What I THINK I’m going to do is put off doing more school for now. I have a chance to make some decent money and have some decent travel time while still not locking myself into a life time direction. Teaching English overseas is always still an in between thing.. But then again, if I were to go back to school and get an actual plan I could make twice the money and still travel if I wanted... It all seems so mixed up. Nothing is making sense.
I was thinking law school... But all thought I’d love the work, I don’t think I was cut out to work 49 weeks a year. Then again, I’m a philosophy nut.. And only a mediocre one at that... so though I’d love to be a professor.. There are not that many jobs and too many people way more intelligent and disciplined then I. I still might get my masters... even just for my own sake. Even if I were never to use it... there is something about having my doctorate that is somewhat appealing to me.. Even if I never got a job to use it with... But then again.. Could I hack it. Meh. For now I’m here.. And life is good. I’m not stepping forward... but I’m not stepping backwards... and maybe that something. I’m holding my ground.... but what grounds am I occupying is the bigger question.
I’m becoming a broken record and I think after this post I’ll change it.. But I think I need just a little more time to babble on in self doubt. Just a little more time to waste...why not.
You know what I think? I think I have read too much. I have learned too much about men who have left their mark and it kills me that I have no mark to give. And even if I did I would not appreciate it since most marks are not felt until after death. Names remembered are never remembered in ones life time so why is being forgotten for picking the wrong road so prevalent in my mind. Why does it matter? Why am I haunted by unwritten pages that would be ashes before anything could matter? All things that happen are burned before they are venerated. And what worth can be found in ashes but myth and fairy tail.
Ok... so I’m not sure if I’ve lost sense... but sense has lost itself in me a long time ago. Maybe I will just breath... not wait.. But not jump forward into the abyss either. Maybe it will be better to just breath and ask questions about breathing... to forget about time lines that matter to no one except those who make them. Maybe there is a balance that I can live between the eternal whore of life and the duelist rejection. If I find it..

You’ll be the first to know...

2007-04-11T13:17:00.000-04:00

Ok... can you say confused. As it stands I’m 25 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure I have ideas... but as to if I really want to pursue those ideas or not... I really don’t know.
First, I need to decide soon for pragmatic reasons relating to things like contracts if I’m going to go back to school fall 2008 or if I’m going to stick around here. Second, if I decide to go back to school what am I going to go for? Law school is an option... but do I really want to be a lawyer? Could I really see myself being the that serious? And then again there’s the PHD thing... but I’m not sure I have the grads for it... and even if I do there is no guarantee that when I finally get the thing if I’ll even be able to find a job. And then again I’ve thought about taking the easy way out and just go to teachers college so that I can have summers off... but can I really see myself teaching people who for the most part don’t want to be there? And then again maybe there are other options.. But I have no clue what they are. I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something different... but I’ve spent too much time thinking and now I’m 3 years behind being that if I had don’t things write I would have graduated university 2 years earlier then I did. But then what is right? Where does it say that I need to make other people happy or to have an actual direction? Where do I really have to fit? But then again... I want to matter just a little... or even be good at something. It seems that in everything that one becomes an expert at the age of conception is back more years then I can turn and I’m left with being mediocre... or I’m not and yet because all I can do is think and not act I will eventually come to the day where this lie has become true.
Its funny, I’m off on this adventure... in fact to some it seems that I’m always off on an adventure... and yet I’m still asking the same dumb questions everyone else does... the only problem is I’ll be 30 and still not have the answers.... I’ll still be wandering... trying to find myself. I mean, at least I’ve always got a story to tell and friends who care about me... but will I end up like so many others in my class (social not educational) nearing 60, still working jobs I don’t like for money that doesn’t stretch far enough... defeated by time.
Even in the basics of life I am a wreck. I used to be a man of such high principles. Even if sometimes I was misguided.. At least I stood for and lived for something... now I am in shambles. I am aware of what I agree with... but no longer live like I believe my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts anyway... everything spins into nausea.

Don’t mind me.. My mind has had better days.

2007-03-31T11:04:00.000-04:00

I finally got my camera back from my friend. Here are two pics to set the town. Drinking and a girlfriend.... Headed to Tokyo tomorrow... its about time i started a little traveling...

some pics

2007-03-19T12:16:00.000-04:00

Put that into your tickle bank.

2007-03-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Well, i finally got a camera... A free 7.2 megapixal 300 buck camera for signing up for the internet.. got to love this country. As soon as i get a chance to buy a memory card i'll be able to take more then 3 pictures at a time.. and then i'll start posting more pics from the land of the rising sun.

My girlfriend is in Taiwan this week and my funds are practically zilch till payday so i won't be doing much this week i think. The good news is that I have my first Japanese lesson tomorrow. Ive been learning on my own until now usuing "Japanese for busy people" which has been great... but its time to get a teacher who can kick my ass in gear.

Also, i picked up a copy of Dostoyevsky's Crime and punishment... maybe i can get my mind to start working again.

um... that was a whole lot of naked....

2007-02-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

ok so for all you guys back home who laughed at me when i said i was going to lay off the women for a year... ok ok so your not allowed to say i told you so... but i lasted just shy of 3 months. My girlfriend is graduating this year from a Psych degree at okayama university. Japanese, smart, travels more then I do, sarcastic as shit, and a cutie. I'll stick up some pics when i get some. It may be a good thing that this one hooked me.. before i met her i was starting to get into a little trouble.

In other news.. I hit up the Naked man festival this past weekend. I forget the real name.. but the foriegners call it that because you and 7000 other guys put on nothing but a loin cloth and slippers and essentially beat the shit out of each other (mosh pit style) trying to get these two sticks that are thrown out at the crowd after they turn the lights out. they then have to get those sticks to the temple mount to win. The persons that do wim money and are "lucky men" for a year being promised good fortune, power, and women. What is my summation of experience.. well i'll state it like i did on a friends board...

"this sweet weekend... beer, rain, naked, not cool lon cloth wedgy, fight, punch, fight, touched the stick twice,more naked, complete naked while unknowingly being watched changing by 5 girls, more drinking,more more naked, dancing, dawn, drinking, followed by a hungover date which ended with me being lucky enough to have a hot girlfriend.

...major battle scars on my legs, arms, and left foot. i tried going to the gym tonight and i think ive almost killed myself being that i have gashes in many palces. . it was the sweetest weekend so far that i have been here.. but i almost didn't survive it. ..lol I also did a good deed. I protected this little guy who was getting crushed by locking my elbows and knocking any guy that tried to hurt him. I guess 1 person died this year and 3 ppl were in the hospital ... got to love silly guy rituals that no girl would ever want to do..lol"

so ya.. thats my update.

getting things moving

2007-02-05T02:47:00.000-05:00

Things are looking up. For the most part i only drink 1 or 2 days a week, i'm going to the gym 3 days a week, Learning Japanese is going well though slow, i'm FINALLY starting to work on the next issue of my zine which i'm hoping to be sending to Canada by mid march, and work is goin decent. Still lost about the future and about all things relating to inner thought... but... everything else is gold.... and i'm participating in naked man festival this year. Its where thousands of guys wear sumo stil clothes and fight it out for 2 sticks. I'm going to die.. but should be fun.
:)

...

2007-01-24T11:31:00.000-05:00

I am not what I would like to be, and yet, I am always what I am not and there is nothing outside of that not.

For the moment I become what I am, I seize to exist as anything but a memory. The moment I stop simultaneously creating and destroying myself marks the axe on my grave. But if this is so, then why have I created a self which I despise despite the illusionary existence that that consists of? Why do I legitimize a name that repulses me be continuing in footsteps that lay me out as the fool? But I am a fool.. Or at least I play one on tv. Even the fool cannot be judged so with any coherence except after death, and even then all is lost since all things past are but subjective interpretation.

2007-01-17T08:12:00.000-05:00

lol... ok

So my bike is broken, i hurt my arm, my electric razor died, i ruined my favourite work shirt eating somthing spicy and greasy that i can't promounce, and i'm running out of food... what did i do to u mr karma man?

only 8 days till i get my first paycheck. (ok so last month i got a 1 week paycheck.. that doen't count... i still only have 5 bucks and whatever is in my fridge to last me a week.)

hmm.. maybe i can find out where i can sell my body to science when i die...

new country, new job, new year...

2007-01-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

Thinking back on the last year I have a lot of memories to cherish and a lot to regret. I was a good friend to some while to others I screwed up royally. I was shown great kindness and was kind to some... but to others I took advantage out of shear incompetence. I traveled the length of Canada almost twice on the kindness of strangers and yet abused the trust of those who helped me out in my home town in the months before I left for japan. I messed up when it came to some relationships..and yet I something good came to be right in time for me to leave. All in all I think 2006 gets an A in adventure, a B+ in romance, a B in finances...and a D+ in my display of virtue...
That being said, without goals for the future everything is a stand still, a blind jump, or a spiraling. With that in mind lets see if I can make and direct myself towards some new years resolutions.
2007:
1. Get rid of beer gut (go to gym more regularly)
2. Drink less (to help with #1)
3. Join one of the following: karate/kick boxing/yoga/palates
4. Learn Japanese enough to take basic level proficiency test for next year
5. Explore Japan
6. Prepare for Grad school applications
7. Write more often.
8. Submit an essay to a journal.
9. Pay off all credit cards (4500.00 Canadian)
10.Seek virtue and consistency between belief and action.

2007-01-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

Here is a pic from the Black and White Gala i went to my last couple of days in Toronto.

Nomisugimashita

2007-01-03T08:19:00.001-05:00

I haven’t been updating regularly but I’m hoping to change that. I’ve been on vacation and though I should have been doing a lot.. I haven’t. Well, I wrote some post cards, figured out how to send money home, learned how to use my rice cooker, and finally made some Japanese flash cards with the intent on studying... but all in all I’ve either been reading at Starbucks or drinking with friends. If the latter then the usual has been either over poker, at one of our usual pubs, or at the club we frequent. I have a feeling that if I added up all the money spent on partying this break and just stayed sober I could have definitely done at least a little traveling. But drinking is a huge part of the social and work life in this country and in the end maybe its important to make the effort to make friends first and then see stuff later. I mean I have only been here a month and I’m still getting to know the city...I don’t get lost.. but finding things can be an issue with so many side streets and things packed up in levels.
I’ve been pretty lucky when it comes to friends. Everyone I work with is awesome and I’ve made friends with a lot of teachers from other schools too. In the spring when the days are longer and nights a little warmer I’m going to see if I can get some friendly competitional stuff going between the schools. Might be cool to see where that goes. I’ve also made a few Japanese friends.. But in all honesty, the language barrier is still stunting me there. Confidence is hard to have when you can only make out a few words here and there. It’s a cool feeling though when people show speak a little of each others languages are truly able to communicate.

A few rememberable moments from the past 2 weeks:
-Being in front of a dirty dancing conga line. (As weird as it sounds)
-Learning that the difference between making Indian curry and Japanese curry is about 3 days apartment curry smell...lol
-spending 20 min in a class with an entire class laughing as they try to pronounce "seriously"
-Kareoke Kareoke Kareoke

2006-12-09T03:55:00.000-05:00

um.. ok so all you can drink kareoke places are awsome... predrinking before and drinking after are not. I only spent 20 bucks last night (free drinking due to newness is cool) so that was cool... but this morning at training sucked. its now 6 pm and i still hurt. I'm expected to go to the schools welcome party they are having for me and its expected that i will drink with my managers... this is going to be a long night and i'd rather be in bed..lol. meh, atleast i have 2 days off after this.

Thinking about you makes me dizzy because all i have are my memories...

2006-12-07T08:49:00.001-05:00

I taught my first lesson yesterday. This week is training week and has us teaching lessons wed, Thursday and Friday with real students. (They come in after our training to have us try a lesson on them while our trainers sit in the back to observe us.) I finish my training on Saturday and then on Tues I observe at my new school and start teaching full time on wed. Wish me luck! I’m scared.
This weekend we’ll be celebrating my arrival. Fri night is kareoke night and sat night we there is a welcoming party. At the party everything is free and I’ve been told I need to try and out drink my seniors... its going to be a rough weekend...

i made it..

2006-12-04T18:35:00.000-05:00

So i'm settled (kinda) in okayama and i'm here to stay.
I arrived a couple days ago and its been pretty insane. When i finally got to my appartment after a 11 hour flight some of my new co- workers stoped bye which extended my day to roughly 30 hours. It was awsome to get such a warm welcome but the next morning of training sucked. Saturday night was awsome though. Me and my training partner were left to our own devices and ended up stumbling on a regae bar after 90 min of wandering downtown okayama. The place was a senses explosion that made me happy to be here. It was a small dark poorly lit room with rageee pariphinalia everywhere, good mucic, and chill locals.

A japanese man with dreads is always cool.

note: when you pay for a shot you actually get the equivilant of a few shots because they don't meassure and they don't care. A few of them was definetly enough for me to feel smiley. After our budgets were spent we decided to we were going to call it.. but then all of a sudden there was a piece of cheese in frunt of us. It seems that the couple to our right had placed it in frunt of us. Then a second piece came and this time the girl of the couple introduced her and her friend. Next thing we know, the four of us are laughing and telling stories and girl's date is buying everyone drink after drink. When the bar begins to close the couple insists on us joing them at another bar whtta serves beer till dawn and soon we are on the dance floor and the beer keeps flowing...

Ive been since told that this happens alot when business people make friends with forigners in small groups. I'm not sure if my liver will make it... though my wallet liked it, i only spent 20 bucks the entire night and i made several new friends. Though ive been told they will probably not accept it, i'm going to try and buy them drinks next time to pay them back.

Sunday was sightseeing, grocery, and studying day but i didn't get half as much done as I wanted too. I think i'm mstill really jetlaged

Right now its monday and I jsut finished a LONG day of training. Im so nervous because i'm supposed to give my first lesson on wed. um.. i'm screwed...lol

actually, i'm doing pretty well. I mean its hard to remember everything and by the end of the day there is very little retention, but from the feedback i'm getting i think i should not screw this up too too much.

In general i'm having an amazing time. Cultural differences take some getting use too, I sometimes feel like i'm living in a japanimie world (SERIOUSLY), and i mean i REALLY need to learn Japanese... but all in all this is going to be an awsome year and a bit.

Anyway, I feel like i'm writing like a 2 year old and not giving the details i'd like since i'm so freaking tired. i'll try to have better updates in the future.

ps:
good news: I don't have to pay rent till the old teacher moves out on the 17th
bad news: I won't have regular internet access until I get to move it.. so um.. bear with me.
Till next time...

2006-11-29T14:45:00.000-05:00

"We have lived together in a dream up to now. When we awake will we find each other still?"
I scame around the bed and stood near to her. I worshipped her closeness. I said,
"Well, we must hold hands tightly and hope that we can keep hold of each other through the dream and out into the waking world. "
As she still would not speak I said,
"could we be happy?"
She said,
This has nothing to do with happiness, nothing whatever"
That was true. I took in the promise of her words. I aid
"I wonder if I shall survive it"
She said smiling splendidly,
"You must take your chance!"
I gave her back the bright light of the smaile, now softening at last out of irony.
"So must you, my dear!"

2006-11-28T11:22:00.000-05:00

ok so um.. i need to come up with 200 bucks by tomorrow. any lenders out there?

crazy

2006-11-25T04:08:00.000-05:00

I'm in vancouver now.

Or rather, i'm in Nannimo and a little drunk.

But i'm missing toronto.

Or rather, i'm missing a girl. Though i know i would have fucked it up if I had stayed. the memories created will be worth a lifetime. I was happiest as of late when i was with her.

The first day of the rest of our lives.. and I miss you already.

Everything sucks when your gone...

Maybe i'll be lucky and see you shortly.

anyway, i'll be on the island till monday seeing old friends and then trying to make some money on the island this week till i fly out on thursday. Then its the scary world of "real life" and "real jobs" um.. o crap.

...

2006-11-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

I leave toronto today. I'm sorry to everyone who i should have said goodbye to but didn't. I will miss everyone i have come to call friends here.

I will also miss you. You who held me so tight. I think that I will miss you more then most, though we only lived for but a moment. It's funny how things work out.

Tomorrow will be the goodbyes in Cornwall... then I fly away.

A new chapter.. a new note.
I'm worried that I will fail, I'm worried I will fall.
I'm worried that I will loose... it all.
But this is the ultimate test of metal and I am not a child any more.

2006-11-20T08:38:00.000-05:00

Leaving Toronto for a couple of years as of tomorrow... Alot of people to miss.

2006-11-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it's almsot time for me to leave. My 25th birthday has come and gone and now i'm busy trying to make some quick cash and packing for Japan. I fly to Vancouver next thursday to spend time with some old friends and to make some money before Flying to Osaka on the 30th. To tell you the truth, this has been comming so long i'm alomst in shell chock that its finally almost here. I'm leaving behind friends, family, and a pretty amazing girl that ive been dating for the past little while. What lies ahead is a new country, a new home, a new job that is my first real job, and the realization that I can no longer claim to be a student. Well, atleast for now. IF the stars aline and things go the way i'd like, i'll be in grad school in fall of 2008... all i can do is hpe and pray for that one.. but who really knows who i'll be when i come back... or where i'll be going.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

2006-11-03T01:11:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update. I Turn 25 in 9 days and leave move to Japan in about 3 weeks!!

Lastly: Since I'm finally getting a realjob i guess i'l have to stopbeing a beger.. so to end it all.. i'm starting a tattoo fund. I ave 3 weeks to raise enought o get my first tattoo before I moe to Japan.. anyone interested in donating?

This will be hard to follow. Its one side of a conversation i have been having...

2006-10-23T14:09:00.000-04:00

My point is, instead of scratching out heads we should seek to understand. the atheist is not an idiot, not is he insane. He holds a false presuposition that logically leads somewhere. We care called to compassion right? it is my thiinking that full compassion can only come through attempting to understand. maybe i'm wrong... but the sadness is not that they are idiots, or that they believe in foolish conclusions.. but that their brains do work.. that God has given them the ability to see the conclusions of their starting points.. that if I was in their shoes I would probably follow a simular line of thought, and that we by nature, are just as likely to be blind. The sadness is that if our faith is justified then it is happy circomstance or by devine luck that I have had my eyes cleared and they have not. The saddness is that I am no more special the hitler, no more worthy of the bennifits of faith then nitzche... at the end of the day, the great tragedy is that It was i that had my eyes cleared to see the truth and not a million others... that if men who have done evil had at first seen the truth and been alowed the clearity to seek to understand then things might be better. The tragedy is that my salvation is absurd. The tragedy is that instead of crying and morning for them.. we scratch our heads and laugh. We judge and condemn. That is our greatest evil.
.........................................................

I think it is given that we should not be so prideful as to distain people for believing foolish things since we too believe in something foolish to others. What I was getting at had to do with the thing we seem to be taking for granted. There are 2 types of people in this church. Those born into the world of our presupposition... and those who have some to it later. Had we had a different upbringing, or had different experiences, it is quite possible that we would be on the other side of this argument. I am coming to realize the shame of my salvation that comes hand in hand with the bliss of thankfulness. That this foolishness I believe is not to my merit at all but to my happenstance. It is absurd that I have some to light and they have not, and since we collectively create the happenstance of others... it is universal I, not God, who comes to blame for the persistence of the contrary happenstance that lands the masses to very different logical conclusions. Every step I take is a disaster to another persons soul. That I cannot learn to tread more lightly... that I do not live of virtue but instead try to force faith on others (and thereby destroy them).. that if I or anyone truly believed in God every second would be consumed by light... That I judge when I have no merit.. since my salvation is not of my doing... since I despite everything It is I more then them that should be on the cutting block. I think my point here is that I am more to blame in my correctness then in their foolishness. it is because of the light that I find myself in that I deserve hell and they do not. How can someone without a lightbulb who lives in eternal light ever be punishable for never turning on the light? How can I who have been given the lightbulb from the beginning, the instructions, and a guiding hand to the switch, be able to get away with throwing the lighbulb to the ground with everything that I do?It goes beyond not distaining. All logic can do is say "based on your starting point the logical end is this" all I can do is point out the logical inconsistencies.. The starting point is beyond logic since to start is to assume it. the heart of the matter is rather the distain that we should have for ourselves. Instead of giving ourselves hugs and warm fuzzies we should be learning to carry our distain that we might champion it.. that we might transcend it. we even get a helper to carry this cross. For Christ carries it for us daily. And as I get the free ride... those in darkness are under my feet and I am their executioner.
It is funny that it may be I that truly is the evil man.

-----------------------------

you can only "show" thew atheist to be inerror by appealing to your own presuposition. You cannot prove God's existence without assuming it...you cannot disprove it without assuming its defeat as well. I have never come accross a proof for or against that holds any ground. Each arguement must assume its conclusion... or atleast more then it ligitimatly can...to get off the ground. Don't misunderstand me here. Logic in its purity can lead you to a logical end. But it cannot poduce the world. The very basis of placing a presuppotion to the test of reason is that in regards to this presupposition (the existence or non existence of God) once brings into question the very nature of existence. To as the question is to bring all things into existant into question.. including logic. (see the arguements from Pragmatism) Thus, to use reason to prove or disprove the existence of God can only be rhetorical in nature.
---------------------------------------

What I believe is not foolishness to me. In fact, what I believe is the quasi-logical outcome (from my point of view) of my presuppositions. But, what I believe IS foolishness to the atheist who has the different presuppositions. If God does not exist, then the resurrection never happened. If he does, add in our other presuppositions.. And you get the resurrection.

Thus, I can only believe in God because my experience dictates that he exists... That based on the logic within my experience... of the trust in my senses and that I have a working mind, etc. So in the end, what I am saying is that trying to “prove” that god exists or not can be reduced to ego stoking, fallacies, and power games. The only use that “proofs for God” have are the increase of our ability to think critically, and the fact that many people do seem to get saved even through bad arguments. On the other hand, do not accuse me on anti-intellectualism. Once one’s starting point has been set, logic is the tool to show what follows. Logic possibly then, in the realm of God, is on the one side about debunking myth, bad theology, and bad reasoning and on the other side trying to seek God more and to find out based on what we know, where it logically leads.
--------------------------
If someone said that my mom didn’t love me not only would I have all my expereiencial evidence... I could prove it. (Well to the degree of accuracy depending on our level of sophistication in lie detectors) on the other hand I have expereiencial evidence for the existence of God.. The atheist has the same for the denial of that fact. In this case we have to wait for death to have it proven one way or another. I will copy many great man of faith and say that there is nothing that places us at a better advantage then the atheist except that we jump off the bridge willingly... hoping to be caught.. But not having proof that we will and knowing that it is logically possible that we fall to our doom. That my friend is faith. It is not an easy thing... but, it is a wager we take because the reward is great. IF we are right, and we live in faith in that truth.. Then we have the reward of a loving God with all that implies. If we are wrong then nothing is lost since there is no meaning to life then what we give it.. Since a life of faith is a life of love, charity, and hope.. Then, so long as we pursue these things not out of duty but out of want.. Then we still win. We cannot discredit the atheist for his foolishness.. Because remember, to him and his starting point... we are foolish. If having a foolish idea is enough to have it discredited then you are in the wrong religion my friend... for the bible tells us that our faith is foolishness. Returning to the use of the metaphor. Let us turn it on its head. What use does discrediting the atheist if he is being logical based on his assumptions if you cannot prove that God exists? People don’t get saved by logic...in fact people don’t even change their minds about anything based on logic. If people were logical we would not have the world issues we have. People are not irrational either, but use reason, emotion, etc to achieve desired ends. We desire heaven... we desire to experience Gods love. As such we use the tools we have to seek that end... but in the end the initial belief in God is irrational because it transcends it. If God exists then Salvation occurs through the souls sensitivity to the truth... or maybe by the emotional connection to it.. Or maybe a rational exploitation of the irrational moment. So what good does doubting do us? It works for us and against us. We must seek God like children in trust... but as we jump off the bridge by ourselves (for real faith is not a mass action but an individual one) it is important that we are honest about the falling, the ground at the bottom, and the possibility of a sudden stop. Doubt can he disastrous... or it can be healthy. But if it leads you astray then it comes to be asked whether you realized the reality of the situation when you jumped form the bridge in the first place... Faith my friend, is the biggest of gambles.

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There are a few problems inherent in understanding where I’m coming from... The first being “post modern” arguments have been overdone and because I take 1 or 2 steps with the post mod kids it is usually felt that I must on the same page with them.. Or at least on similar ground. This I think has been this issue with a lot of the conversations I have had on this board. I’m going to have to get better at clarity or I’m afraid this will continually haunt me. A second problem which is also related to clarity.. I thought I did infact answer each question that was posed to me.. Though maybe not to your satisfaction. This too maybe will be helped with I learn to de-clog my thoughts. I agree that you and I are in agreement on many issues and it is just some of the details (albeit, important ones) that we disagree. In general the rest is just misunderstanding. Lets start out with our discussion of foolishness. I think you misunderstood where I was going with that. I think we wee on the same page mostly. I did not mean to imply that we should think our own views as foolishness. Rather, keeping in mind from what reference this conversation started (the shaking our heads at the website) I was saying that our views of the website are based on the belief in their foolishness and not in their logic. My premise here was that the atheist is not an idiot and should not be laughed at. Since the “foolishness” of their ideas is a given to us because of our starting point then it is almost stupid to point our that their end points are also foolishness to us.. As points of laughter. Rather, if we are to discuss them at all they must be understood in their own right. They should be understood in light of their own starting points. You are right though in understanding me in saying that neither argument is “better” and that I have no more “reason” to believe then not believe in the objective sense. I disagree with you when you state (kinda) that I can line up the atheist starting point and its logical end and the Christian starting point and logical end and say that we have the better argument without assuming that we are right to begin with. If this was true then we could save people merely by writing down the argument and showing them. You might say here.. Well they could still choose not to agree. Here is where your tree argument erks me. Assuming that the person is in the same mental state as you, that they are not brainwashed, are in their full capacity, etc, then your “better” argument comes from your ability to make them touch the tree.. I could bind their eyes open and make them look at the tree.. And attach that lie detector to them to see if they actually see the tree. (Of course it could still “not exist” but I would have a better argument as you say...The proofs for the existence of God don’t work that way. Not only is there no way to prove it one way or another.. (as you agree) but there is no way to make one a better argument then the other. My issue with your view is that you claim the atheist to hold an irrational belief.. My point I have repeated many times is that since neither starting point can be shown to be better in a logical sense without assuming their conclusion. (Theism is the better argument because I find the arguments more convincing based on my own experience with what I hope is the Devine.)the rationality of the theist and atheist position can only be weighed on in their own right.. So where does this lead me? The next question you seem to ask is then if I cannot show that it is objectively better to believe then not to believe then why believe? I have tried to give you my reasons. They are not post modern. I am Not saying that they have their truth and I have mine. In the end only one thing will end up as true. I am saying that A. To use our starting points to judge the reason of an argument that does not agree with our starting point is bad reasoning and moreover doesn’t save people. (Though of course God could use it) B. That because, without assuming the conclusion neither argument for the existence of, or against, is logically better, the first moment of faith is an irrational one. I agree with people wiser then me who have spoken of faith that seeks understanding. For the initial leap into faith is not done based on reason but rather based on reason’s calculation of past experience combined with the irrational assent to something that the heart feels. C. In the end I do agree that in actuality we are right and that if we could span out time and space we could prove it by showing the resurrection. But sine we can, all we have is our faith.. And the reasoning that it springs. As such all we have is interpretation of events which we cannot return to and hope that we are right. Since all is interpretation and the past is dead in the end the irrational leap is the only edge we have. The last question you raise has to do with how this kind of talk helps my faith. “ I don’t see what doubting that the Resurrection of Christ, for instance, does for me, simply because there are atheists out there who believe that this did not happen.”I must tread lightly here... doubt is not for everyone.. As I have said. In fact logic, is not for everyone either, and of course some can handle nothing but logic. I mentioned in the last post that doubt can be detrimental to some and to others essential. All I can talk about is my own walk. I know that for me, I do not carry doubt because of what the atheist thinks. I carry doubt because I wish be honest with myself. To be humble in my walk as much as I can. To realize that in all things I can be wrong. To realize that if I am right then all the anguish which I posited earlier on in this conversation see the rumblings in the first couple of posts.)is our real, unmakeuped existence.

My blogs from the THUMBS OUT trip

2006-08-06T21:51:00.000-04:00

July 7, 2006 -
In TO and ready to go.
ok.. so were sleeep deprived.. so this is going to be short, incoherant, and ya..lol
The last 7 days have been a sleep deprived, beer filled, moltov of crazyness. I met this really awsome girl july 1st that was to be my partner and within a 48 hour period I got drunk with her, had my parents fall in love with her, drove 16 hours in a car (with a 90 min back track to pick up a lost wallet)with her, introduced her to my sister in New Brunswick, hitched through nova scotia, went to the keiths brewery, got drunk in Halifax.. all to finally starty the race and hitch to Vancouver.
The first day we made it all the way to edmonston with 3 rides. The last of the 3 stopped occationally to give us history lessons and visit historical sites (World's longest covered bridge, grand falls, etc) and then gave us a free hotel room for the night and gave us a bottle of cider to share.
The next day we Made it to Montreal in 1 ride.. problem was, there was only 1 seat to hold both our bags and both our bodies...after 5 hours I was feeling like a dirty sock.
Montreal was great and the beer was cheap.
Now were in TO. We actually went to much on demand for the free publicity..lolAnyway, so were off o Thunder Bay tomorrow.. wish us luck!

July 10, 2006 -
Half way and i'm not dead and only slightly bruised.
A late start due to my own blondness. We throw our belongings into the trunk of the car of our first ride just in time to feel it all crash down. Or rather for me to feel it all crash down, and by all crash down i mean the trunk lid on my head. It seems that Megan thought I had cleared the lid and had proceeded to slam it shut... problem is, I have a big head. And of course, now I have a big head with a even bigger bumb on the top of it. But all is well, it must be payback for awkwardly singing the same songs, or rather parts of songs, over and over again to keep me occupied. Im sure hearing the same wrong lyrics to the same songs over and over again is enough to make anyone want to close a trunk on someones head..hehe
lol.. anyway, we made it to Thunder bay in about 37 hours... about 8 hours later then the team before us. We were picked up by the most amazing people with the biggest hearts. Though i'm too tired to give alot of details, lets just say that my theory That Canadians are generally good people has definatly been proven true. Even though we didn't have rides going the distance every ride was one that was memerable and left us feeling like we had been truely cared for. Thanks to everyone who picked us up! On a side.. a special thanks goes to the 2 guys who were going in the opposite direction, but found us passed out in a hotel lobby in the middle of nowhere and decided to drive us 4 hours out of their way to finally get us to Thunder Bay because you felt that God had landed you at the hotel for a reason. Props to your good heart. Also thanks to the couple who bought us dinner, the couple that gave us 20 bucks, the guy who gave me beer, the truck stop guy who let us come out of the mesquito massare at 3 am to sleep in the closed dinning room for a few hours, the guy straight out of the dazed and confused movie who drove us to the truck stop to some decent tunes when we were stuck in the middle of nowhere, the police officer who drove us to the tim hortins when we thought we were getting arrested, the couple that saved us from the rain, and of course the guy that worked at the hotel that let us stay in the lobby and gave us food when he could have gotten in trouble... and to everyone else who has been awsome to us or shared stories to us.. thanks
PS... the water of Lake Superior was glorious on my feet!
See ya in the next town... Winnepeg.

July 14, 2006 - Calgary
Say hello to all them cowboys
Winnipeg was alot of fun! We took a day off to rest a little... or atleast that was what was supposed to happen...lol. Instead we made friends with people from all over the world who were staying at the hostel and shared travel stories and drinking songs over beer and rum the first night and wine and beer the second.
Our luck continues to grow! We made it to Calgary in 1st place taking us out of last place and into 4th for the last stretch of the race. Anything can happen now in that last leg, and though Megan is convinced were out of the race I think there is always hope. We made it to Calgary in 4 rides and it seems that our bad luck with truckers picking us up has finally ended. That and the fact that the only car that picked us up was driving 165 km/h the entire time we were in the car placed us 5 min ahead the 2nd team.
Our only snag I think is that spending 24 hours a day for 14 days and counting with someone, no matter how cool they might be, will definatly lead to the need for a break. The littlest things that might have been cute at one point annoy each of us about the other. I'm sure after a break we will be great friends... but right now i think that a boot to the rear is what both of us are thinking of...lol. At the sourse of some conlflict is my duties as the founder of the race combined with the internal need to make sure all teams are on the same page, taken care of, and happy. This is the source because my increased stress levels are bound to affect my own team dynamic. That and well.. when i'm on the side of the highway and tired i tend to sing songs songs i know.. but I don't really know any full songs.. so its more parts of songs.. and sang badly.. coupled with the fact that I can't sing and yet i sing often (were often really tired on this race) i understand how i can be annoying...hehe. There are things that drive me nutz about her as well... which as I said, is understandble based on the amount of time we have been together..lol.
Added to the stress is a music festival that one of us wants to attend that places us in conflict with the actual sceduale of the race. It is now both a race with the other teams and a race to make it to Vancouver before one of us has to leave.
All said and done though, my partner is a great girl and I am lucky to have her as a partner. We are alike in alot of areas and not in alot of others. Our conversational styles and the way we relate to people is definatly in the latter while our stuburness and ways we carry on about certain things are of the former. Either way, with only one leg of the race left to go and only a few days left till we part ways and till i can find a beach to sleep on and an ocean to swim in, i can honestly say that i'll miss her when shes gone.
There have been great stories.. many of which I havn't put on here and which will have to be pub talk sometime in the future. But for now I leave you with a prayer for the road.
May God prepare the road before you,
May you walk is safety and know no fear
May each stranger you meet be guided by a love for all and,
May each moment be worthy for the story.
See you in Vancouver.

July 18, 2006 - Vancouver
The living end
Done and done. So were in Vancouver and its about time.hehe. Alot of stuff has happened and we have had alot of cool rides .but i'll let megan fill that in. All the teams arrived early in Vancouver and so in order to ensure all the girls had a place to stay Rob and I spent the night on the streets of Vancouver walking, walking, walking into sketchy territory, and then deciding an all ngiht afe was the better idea. This being the case, I am on about 1 hour sleep plus a few small naps in trucks yesterday on the way here.. so ya, this is not going to to long.
Before I go i would like to address something.. but only briefly as though it must be mentioned, this is not the venue to express what has happened. Unfortunately, for those who have read other teams blogs one will find a very negative blog by one of the more dramatic teams. Though these are her opinions of what happened, and she has the right ot have them, with the exception of 1 claim, all are fact-less and disprovable. I believe that those who have met me on this trip for the first time can attest to my good intent and my trying to keep everyone on the same page and happy. Some of said that this was impossible, others said if I try to fix things I am not letting them grow, and others have said that by trying to play both sides while still trying to enjoy myself, I was headed for disaster since conflicting interests existed.
Regardless, the damage is done and the words cannot be erased. Though I can say a am hurt by what was said, I regret that any one racer would end this race on a sour note with the organizers. It is unfortunate that she has deciphered the facts in such a erroneous way and has taken a negative spin on this trip. The thought is coming forward that I was never meant to be a leader and that my days of organizing trips for friends and strangers are over. I do hope that despite her views of me and my first go at organizing something of this magnitude that she will walk away from his trip with good memories. When all else fades Im sure she will be left with the glorious tale of crossing this amazing country with nothing but luck and a smile. I know I will. The good nature and friendliness of strangers in this country has left me speechless. Forget all the free stuff we have gotten, or the rides that have gone out of their way the thing I will remember is the moment of contact. Each time a driver picked me up they were taking a chance and stepping out side of their comfort zone, Each time I took a new ride I was doing the same. The moment of contact between strangers is a moment of great interest since it represents the moment of connection or repulsion. It is the moment where you either become a person or are turned to an object. The continued tension is that after 30 some rides with the same conversation starters the object subject tension returns again until the moment when you decide to be real.. when you decide to drop your gimic and useless gabber and say something meaningful and connected to your heart. This later tension is something hard to transcend I think, but I have a feeling that on this trip each team has been able to do it. Each team has managed at one point or another to be real and to connect with people beyond the gabber and to connect with ones fellow person long enough to enlarge ones loyalties as Rorty would say. To create common feeling with ones fellow Canadian, and even beyond that, ones fellow human being. Real Justice is just this(well maybe): seeing more and more people as being part of a greater set of loyalties an dless as the other. There is SO much good in this world, so many good people, and even if some of them donâ€™t like me or dont respect me, thats ok.. they are good people still the same and I have been lucky enough to know them.
Ok so I thought this was going to be short lolIm not sure if you managed to get anything out of what I just said.. its hard to makes sense of anything when so much stuff has gone one and is going on and your bed is so far away. hehe
Anyway, I hope you guys have like following us across Im sure youve gotten the hint by now that were not perfect, nor are we angels but in general I can say of al the racers even the ones I might need a break form for a while, that all the racers are good people and Ive been happy to play this game with them Blessings

so where should i go next...

2005-08-23T11:37:00.000-04:00

Been back for weeks and though life is starting to get back to its hectic self.. i havn't really had time to meditate truly on my summer expereinces beyond what has been written here... I'm hopeing once I move into my new place, school starts, and i have a routine again i can find time to be content to contemplate.. we'll see

um...

2005-08-03T23:30:00.000-04:00

ok so i posted alot of picks.. but unfortunatly it is displaying doubles.. so um.. sorry

2005-08-03T23:15:00.000-04:00

2005-08-03T22:52:00.000-04:00

2005-08-03T22:32:00.000-04:00

more pics

2005-08-03T22:16:00.000-04:00

good times

2005-08-03T21:41:00.000-04:00

and so it ends...for now.

2005-07-30T00:24:00.000-04:00

ok note to self... when traveling i must remeber to take care of my health and not put off a day off in the name of partying with the locals... I was laid out for 24 hours in my bed yesturday with the flu and extremely bad stomach issues... I think i was out of bed for a total of 30 min to eat a little (what i could hold down) and check my email. I'm on metro and cypro and feeling better today.. though my energy level is a little low. I'm kind of mad that i don't have the neergy to go crazy on my last day in india but having a few days to take it easy at the end of a hard journey is a good thing. I was talking to a fellow traveller the other day who has been all over the world (everywhere from guatamala to loas to japan, etc) and he said that India more then any other country is a hard country that rapes your body, mind, and spirit. If you can handle traveling here you can make it anywhere. I'll admit, this IS a hard country.. the mass poverty and the seeming diregard by the locals, the extremity of life here, and the tendency for natural disasters (since i have been in the country there has been a 7.2 eathquake and MAJOR flooding in several cities.. luckilly(for me and not for others) all have been pretty far away) all play in exact tension with the extreme beauty, history, and moment of joy that can be found.
So anyway, i'm headed to the airport tonight with a 9 hour flight to london, a 5 hour lay over, and then a 6 hour flight to Toronto. With the time difference it will all be in the same daya nd i'll be in TO at 230 in the afternoon ET Not sure how i'm getting to my brothers from the airport.. but i'm sure things will work out.

When i get back to Canda i'll finally post more pictures as I havn't been able to since Kulkuta... ive taken over 500 pics here... thank God for digital cameras..hehe

so i'm outti...

the last couple of days have been good.

2005-07-28T04:41:00.000-04:00

well i'm feeling a little better.. but i'm drained and need to rest.. owell... i'll get some sleep when i get back to Canada... but i warn you... the posts from this point on until i get back are going to be less and less coherant...

Working round the scams and the pitfalls in agra by yourself is like a game of chess. Sometimes you win and sometimes you loose and everything depends on thew skill of the player. I will admit.. i got scamed out of a few rubees .. but i also won a few times. At one point even made a bet with a rickshow driver how wanted me to dirve with him.. not only did i end up not having to take his cart.. he had to buy me a coke. On the other hand i got suckered by a different driver later on into going to see a shop.. and ended up wasteing an hour not buying anything (money is low) while a man tried desperately to convince me i needed to buy an over priced carpet.

Later in tyhe day I met 2 girls who I had volunteered with in Kulkuta and though one was leaving that night the other had no plans so after supper we headed to a local place and spent the night drinking chai and playing chess.

The next day I headed to jaipur, the city surrouned by small mountains... Unfortunatly, my train was late and so all I had was the evening.. The cool think is that I spent the night hanging out with locals who refused to let me pay for my food or my beer... after long conversations and random games I finally got to bed around 2.

Today has been good. I slept in for the first time since ive been in india and breakfast was at 10 with the locals i had met the night before. After a local guide took me around th epink city and then we headed to a monkey sunb god temple just outside the city. There were SO many monkeys that at one point an entire herd of monkeys crossed the my walking bath like I was standing at a cross walk. This afternoon I head to a few local forts and then tongiht before heading to the train station i'm meeting up with some locals for a bit of a house gathering. Should be good...

on a side note.. ive heard what has happened south of here in mumbai.. i really hope the rain stops soon... to many people have died already. I have only been minorly inconvieniced..the banks connected to monbai (like mine) are not working so i'm alosmt out of money...but all is well for me

i hope things get better for the victems there...

2005-07-28T04:37:00.000-04:00

Dear God.. don't let me puke, don't let me die..

2005-07-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

Last night on the train half way from varranasi to agra The room got dark, i became dissy, disorientated, feverish, and had a great desire to puke. Because a girl in the group had been noked out for 2 days resulting in a hopsital visit... i was freaking out. Especially since i had been bitten by alot of misquitoes the day before all i could think of was the word malaria...I layed there trying to get the room to stop spinning and for the chills to stop. I prayed with a sense of fear that i wouldn'tg et sick in the middle on nowhere on a train and that i wouldn't get malaria... Luckily It only lasted 2 hours and the gravel i found in my bag seemed to work... but this morning i am still feeling a little off... and by a little i mean alot.

Coincidenatly, i am now on my own. The 2 girls i was traveling with REALLY wanted to go one palce and I wanted to go another.. so they, along with another girl, are going to a small vilage and I go to jaipur tomorrow after 24 hours near the taj mahal. I think on the 19th were all meeting up in delhi for 2 days before everyone flies out for either home or more travels. I think this alone time is exacly what i needed... I loved my traveling companions.. but i think we all needed some space.. as was apparent by the general crankyness in the group as of late.

I'm so glad that even though ive been a little sick here and there (sinuses, 1/2 a day of diareha and malaria pill induced gass) up until now i havn't been really that sick. I really hope my immunse system can handle whatever it is fighting right now because with only 5 days left in this country i have SO much to see and so little time...

i will miss it here.

varanasi is famous for sweets, silk, and drugs

2005-07-24T06:55:00.000-04:00

Conversation of the day:
We are crossing the street and I suddenly see a team of people of whom i worked with in kulkuta. There are millions of people on the street becuse we are near the main ghat.
-Other person freaking out: "Your not here to socialize.. If you want to do that wait until you get back to Canada."
-Me: "If I'm not here to socialize i should have stayed home."

This town is so chill. Even in the crazyness of the crowds (tomorrow is the shiva festival so some areas of town are packed.. especially the holy sites...) there is a peacfull flow. The only anxioty that exists is not from within me but is caused by being with the same people 24 hours a day and not sleeping alot. Unfortunatly not everyone was made to be a traveler... further still travelers differ on world views... To me, i don't care if i am risking being scamed... i'd rather take the risk and expereince somthing new and great then to live in paranioa and with the fear that everyone is out to get you. Yes this city can be dangerous and you have to be aware of what is around you... but you still need to che'lax... I mean SO WHAT if i get scamed out of a few rubies... Really it is not a scam... A man told me significance of the burning ghat .. he talked for 20 min about history and faith.. and i gave him 5 ruppies... (lke a quater) In all i lost like 2 bucks dollars canadian today through "scams" but really is it a scam? every time i get a service of which i haev enjoyed.. or atleast did not, not like... i mean i spendt 5 bucks today and I was on a boat on the gangies, i got to see aLOT of temples, I was blessed by a holy man (or atleast a man who was pretending to be one), had lunch with an israeli and some girls from france, recieved a history lesson about the hindu-muslim troubles in the city, saw the burning ghats and watched as some were burned and some where carred to the mddle fo te river and attatched to stone to sink(there are reasons for this) AND I saw a few religous ceramonies.... what the heck can 5 bucks get you in Canada?

I have to work on my patients and i think that is what this part of the trip is forcing me to do... This seems to be a reocurring trend. People i don't really know ask me to travel with them and then when i do the people have a hard time adapting to their surroundings and maybe to my personality. my usual relaxed nature is my gift an curse...

Anyway, We are away from the crowds now. I chose to loose my friends from Kulkuta in the crowd so that my travel mate could find a place to calm down and breath... I doubt that such a chance encouter will happen again... owell.. i wish them well... and i'm sure i'll see atleast some of them again...

anyway i'm off.. ive been up since 430 this morning... and i think i'm over stimulated... i love this country...

2005-07-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

ive been missing entry days ebcause of lack of time so here is a cap for the ast few days..
-Thursday
Spent most of the day doing gropu debriefing stuff, email, and shoping... BUT ht highlight was the 20 min hike up the side of a HUGE hill to get myself to the tallest point in the village which doubles as a kali temple (hindu god of the bloodthristy perswasion). It was awsome for 2 reasons. Frist we stumbled onto a hindu pilgriam song circle... second, the entire hill was overed in trees and MONKEYS!!! entire families.. scratch that.. entire possies of monkeys were swarming the hill and playing around, on top, and in the temple... i'm nt sure if you can tell... i like monkeys...
-Friday
The start of a long day...
With the official group trip being over 2 friends and I got up early friday morning to buy our tickets to varanassi. Ironicaly, EVERY train that went directly to where we were ging was booked for four days.. We had 3 options.. stay in Darjeeling and give up on seeing anything but varinasi, agra, and delhi. Try to get on the waiting list that had 30 ppl ahead of us, OR take a 20 hour train ride intertwined with 2 hours of auto rickshaw rides. All this of course AFTER a 3 1/2 hour jeep ride down the mountain. We decided to try our luck and take number 3. O i forgot to tell you.. number 3 meant taking half the gtrip in the lowst class seats and at points waiting in areas were you, your bags, and everything you see is covered with flies. The highlight was getting on the WRONG train at one of our stops but in trying to get on ths train we had to litterally fight to get a seat as people would THROW themselves onto the train AS IT WAS MOVING...lol
To be honest.. though not showing for 2 days + the heat and dirt made me fel disgusting.. i had an AWSOME time... all expereince that does not lead to death, lasting pain or dismemberment is a good thing and though we wanted to jsut give up at some points.. we met the most amazing people and though some bad things happened .. alot of good came along. I think you have to be willing to face the bad in order to realize the good... there is ALOT of good in this country under the surface... all it takes to find it is to give up the western idea of comfort and be positive about finding it... Your find kindness and lve everywhere.. if you look beyon the scams.. the men who do wrong both to each other and to women... you will find the smile of a child.. you will find the stranger who does everything he can to show you thwe way... you will find the richshaw driver who likes to tell bad jokes.. you wil find you are surrounded by people wonderign why tourists woud come to see them...
After everything.. I think that i am at peace here... and though this trip is challenging (now that volunteering is finished i now face the challenge of dealing with the comfort levels of other) I Thank God that of all palces and of all times.. even dispite the fact that i am a student and REALLY cannot afford to travel... i am here.

So now im in Varinassi for a couple of days... a friend from France is meetings us in Agra on tues and i think i'm finnaly going to see the taj mahul... should be good times

But ya.. i'm back in Canada aug 31st... i can't believe it is almost over... now i jsut need to figure out how the heck i'm getting to my brothers place from the airort because i'm flyig home alone..hmm..

one of those days...

2005-07-21T03:31:00.000-04:00

Don't mind the winy ranting nature of this post... i'm having one of those days...

We left kulkuta on monday. My volunteering is finished, atleast for this trip. Because I did this trip with a organized group and not on my own i am forced to keep to the groups sceduale. Thus we headed to Darjeeling for some r and r time to debrief from our expereinces in Kolkuta. Saying good by to the people ive met, the friends i've made, and the children of whom i spent time with while i volunteered was hard. I think the hardest was saying good by to Daya Dan... I will misss the happieness i encountered there.. i will miss the children i have grown to love.

The plan was to take a 10 1/2 hour train ride to the end of the line and then take a jeep 4 hours up a mountain to the hill station of Darjeeling. (the whole trip cost 15 bucks each i think) The funny thing is, we didn't make it to Darjeeling. We arrived at the end of the line to find a massive transit strick in effect and we were stranded. We managed to bribe a few rickshaw drivers to betray the strike, and as we snuck though allyways and dark corners trying to go around the taxi blockade I felt like we were in a movie... Some of the team seemed annoyed, some were scared, and some were out right freaking out. I on the other hand was haveing a blast.When we finally made it to our hotel I had the largest smaile on my face. The rest of the day was spent resting.

The jeep ride up the mountain was amazing too.. we traveled thourgh what seemed like 3 different environmental systems, roads that at times were barilly wide enough for 1 jeep let alone the traffic that came from all directions, and of course, monsoon rains.

Now i'm staying in a hotel that was made for debriefing and i havn't done anything but talk and eat for the last 2 days. I'm going a little nuts actually. Yes i know i'm a talker.. but talk without action only goes so far. The hotel we are styaing in is TOO nice... I am resting TOO much... and i'm feeling a little stir crazy... but then again ive never been one to be able to stand still for very long.. and maybe that iswhy i adapted to life in india alot better then some of the others...

i mean i know it is neccesary for some of the team members.. some of my group have had a REALLY hard time dealling with India.. the dirt, the hardships, the poverty, the scams, etc have been so great on some people that a little "western comfort" is needed for their sanity right now.. but me... i feel ashamed to be spending money i raised for this trip on nice accomidations when i could be fine in a hostel... I love Darjeeeling because it is SO peaceful.. but i know that if it hadn't been for promises made before I came... i would have styed in Kolkutta.. and then just traveled on a SMALL budget .. like i will be starting to do in a few days when I leave this place.

There is so much more fustration of which i'm feeling right now... but there is no clarity... and this post is a pretty unclear as it is...

The funny thing is... even though i would rather be volunteering rightnow it is still a selfish want.. it is still self interest... for I know i would feel more comfortable volunteering at dayadan then sitting here debriefing... so even in my need to help all is vanity at this point....

ok.. so like i said.. i'm just having one of those days...

yah.. the sun is out and i'm feeling a little better.

2005-07-17T05:35:00.000-04:00

Taking the day of yesturday was definatly a good idea. I slept mostly and with the exception of a little errond running i had to do in the afternoon and meeting up for a beer on the roof with some fellow traverlers, i really didn't do much. The roof party was a good idea. Jeremy bought an indian drum the other day and we alredy had guitars so we had the chance o jam on the roof... it was awosme beause we could see people on other roofs comming out to listen. Goo times...

I think the only crappy thing that happened was what we say a few buildings away. Under a light we say a man throw is sun into a wall and then proceed to smash his head again the wall several times... I yelled as loud as I could threatening to kick his ass to try and get him to stop. Though i'm not sur eif he understood english, he understood the anger in my voice and the violence stopped. i know that all i did was stop the immidiate violence and i'm sure it will happen again. I am not a violent man.. in fact those who know me probably would laugh at the idea of me even trying to fight... but for a moment I wanted so much to go over there and thrown the man's head again the wall to show him how it feels. Of course that woudl not have solved anything and only would have made me feel better. Thus im stuff in an infant like state unable to do anything... my heart breaks for that boy.

I think the weather is getting to me...

2005-07-15T05:05:00.000-04:00

My sinuses are leaking like faucets and i think i have an ear infection. BUT i love this place. It is fustrating sometimes and really it is the dirtiest city i've ever been too.. But there is a character to this city that makes up for everything. On our day off yesturday dipite the lousy monsoon rains we went to the village we had gone the week before and once again were met with smiling faces. The day was spent playing with the children and drinking chi in the homes of different people. Going was probably a bad idea because i havn't been sleeping well as of late... and by supper time i had developed a full blown cold. Even so i went to volunteer this morning and ended up on cleaning duty for most of the time i was there. By the kids lunch time unfortunatly my head had had to much and I had to go home to rest. My time of volunteering is nearing its end.. only a few more days until this part of the trip is finished... I wish we had longer. I think that at some point I will have to come when i have more time to give and more money to allow me to stay. This country has so much to offer and disite the mass poverty there is alot of love here and it is infectious...

ok so my malaria pills are giving me painful gass...

2005-07-13T04:06:00.000-04:00

Its been a wierd 24 hours... Last night we eat at a Western resturant to give our bellies a break which was awsome.. but the walk home was really trying for some. I had walked ahead with one of the girls in the group because she had to be somewhere so I wasn't around when this happened... but I guess a local grabed one of the girls in our group in the crotch as he walked by! I guess it happened so fast that no one realizsed what exactly had happened... but Nick.. one of our guys.. realized that atleast somthing had happened and he gave the guy a shot to the head. I guess they realized they weren't going to get away with it so the guys friend appoligised. Then 10 min later one of the local drug dealers grabed andrew by the arm. Now still stired fomr the incident 10 min before andrew pushed the guy back.. and the man fell to the ground. Soon the guy is threating to take revenge and threating to kill andrew... when the group finally got away from it all they were a little shook up...

On a side note... a friend how had come to visit and was on his way home(hes from sweden) was kicked in the back my 2 teenagers driving by on a motercycle. So it seems that ALL the crazies were out last night.

This morning i had my bad luck but of a different nature... monsoon rains were heavy and the street in frunt of the hotel was flooded with calve deep water... and well if you know how clumzy i am i'm sure your not surprised that I triped on a submerged rock and did a back flip into the water...which is the mixed with the pee and poop that is daily distributed along the sie of the road. Then we get into a taxi and as I try to estimate the damage i forget to look where we are going and soon realize that the taxi driver has gotten lost and has taken us to the wrong place.. o man.. got to love this city..hehe

Ok.. Bear with me...

2005-07-11T06:06:00.000-04:00

You cannot escape yourself. That is the first thing I have learned here. You carry your baggage wherever you go. You carry your hopes, your fears, your inadequacies, and all your contradictions on your back like a Mack truck no matter how far you go from the place you live. The normal sort of Introspection of which is necessary for life is almost impossible in the midst of clamoring horns and blinding lights in the streets of kalkuta. As such I believe all things internal become intensified out of the rage of wanting to be heard. Paradoxically, this city seems normally to leave one in such a state of exhaustion that this rage is never addressed and as such it seems to me that the pressure on the soul force all things of significance to the surface to beg to be addressed even though it knows that is impossible at the moment.

Thus it becomes violently important that in the brief moments of silence, that that which has been made apparent is tackled with urgency... is faced head on before the tide returns and the tension once again grows in the soul until the next free moment.

I must tackle my demons... Unfortunately this tension has made it apparent that I have many and i'm sure it will take a life time to reconcile them all...

random..

2005-07-10T06:18:00.000-04:00

day of rest...
highlight:
climbed by a baby monkey! So cute.. um.. and dirty.. i need to wash now...hehe

a few more pictures...

2005-07-09T06:02:00.000-04:00

a few pictures for you...

2005-07-09T05:29:00.000-04:00

how i spent my day off in india.

2005-07-08T06:41:00.000-04:00

The night before was spent at the "discoteck" daanding to beats that were cool when i was 12. So much fun... but being out till 2 when i'd been up since 5 am for work made getting up early on my day off extremely painful...

But as painful as it was, i was out fo bed and wondering the streets by 730. Joining me on the adventure were 2 italians (a boy and a girl) and a spanish girl. After eating some local grub we went to the bus station and using really bad bengalli asked for the bus that was going to a certain village that one of the italians had been told was a good time. 2 Hours later we find ourselves in the middle of no where and come to the realization that outside of the major urban centres noone speaks a word of english. After tasting the local food we jump on a rick shaw in a random direction for 3 rubies (10 cents ish) for 30 min and land outside the comercial area of the villiage and along side an amazing view of what we think is the gangi river. When the road gets too bad for the rickshaw to continue we pay our fare and begin walking. The coolest thing is that within 20 min we stumble on a ship yard and pay the security personel a rubee each to wander through. Next thing we know we are playnig with the fishermen and going swimin. we can't figure out why the fishermen keep telling us to stay close to the shore until one man reveals through make shift sign language (and we confirmed this whe we got home) that there are crocodiles near by... o man...

Next we venture into like this village outside the village and withing a few minutes we get adopted by a local family.. we can't understand them and they can't understand us but withint minutes they are feeding us and both sides are laughing trying to communicate. Soon word spreads that there are white people in the village and now the half the village is standing outside the house wanting to see and say hi. The boys are playing with us.. and the girls come with 5 feet but scury off when we come close. That is until we start taknig pictures and showing them the digitals. Even the older people are laughing and playing with us. Everyone is dancing and everyone is happy. One thing i couldn't believe... i pass around Canadian money as well as large indian bills because i'm sure they have never seen either... and maybe because this would never happen in Culcutta, but 20 min later, after being through about 40 strangers hands, everything came back to me without asking.

The love in this village is astounding. though they only eat once a day they offer us food the entire afternoon. I accepted everything that was given and even drank the local water though i knew there wa a chance I could get sick. I felt that it would be rude not to be accepting. Though i'm sure they did not expect it (as could be told by their reaction) after 5 hours of being there we sent someone to the market that we has seen comming in and bought the family 150 rubees worth of food. For us that is only like 5 bux.. but to these people that is almost a weeks wage! The money bought HUGE bages of rice, 30 eggs, 2 bags of patatos, curry, spices, AND a huge bag of treats for the kids.

Everyone was so happy. When the sun was setting and we knew we had to leave we sang one last song with the children and began to leave. To out joy the entire village walked us to the edge of their little sub village, huged us, and waved and watched as we walked into the night.

Dirty, sunburned, tired, and with a sore belly, i finally got home just after 9. After a quick shower and an attempt to mend a blister on my foot, i layed down and was asleep in minutes.

so i was almost a daddy...

2005-07-06T10:37:00.001-04:00

so i'm walking to the mother house and somone hands me the cutest little baby to hold. Without thinking i accepted the chance to make the baby smile and before i knew it, the mother is gone.

I was surrounded by beggers to begin with and extremely distracted so i didn't get a good look at the mother. All of a sudden i'm freaking out cus i can't find the mother and her fellow beggers are telling me she has left an that the baby is now mine. "Mother gone, you keep." i'm probably as white as a ghost. I've never been so freaked out in my entire life. "what do you mean mother gone? where did she go? she can't be gone? I can't be a dad!"

Finally one man is like, "mother come back in 2-3 hours... i take you to her for money"

Now i might be new to the country but i'm not dumb.. i'm not taking my wallet out when i'm being swarmed by people asking for money... its jsut a bad idea because mobs are never good.

So now i'm contemplating what i'm suposed to do with a 6 month old baby and how i'm going to explain this to the group... i can't even begin to describe to you the mix of emotional hysteria that i was expereincing...

Finally after like 20 min of me freaking out... the mother... who was there the entire time!!! (but was a different person thent he one who gave the baby to me of course) FINALLY realized that i was not going to give money and would probably leave with her baby soon and thus presented herself.

i almost cried with relief!

a girl told me today i'm one part goofy and one part charming...

2005-07-05T04:05:00.000-04:00

Yesturday was probably the hardest day that ive had here so far. The work is not hard but yet it is hard still the same. It is hard from the inside as i try to cope with what i have commited to do. As a whole, things culminated durring the day to leave me in dispear. In the morning I had to take a child (Rakesh) to the nurses office and hold him down with another volunteer as the doctor stuck a huge needle into his knee joint trying to take our puss and blood from a kneww that was the size of a soccer ball. They have NO anistesia's tooo offer and thus as the boy cries i try to calm him, tell him it will be ok.. tell him he is brave.. tell him anything to take away the pain... i wanted to take the needle out... i wanted to stop the pain. All this pain because he has trouble walking though he is 12 and thus walks on his knees causing great trama. All this could be avoided with knee braces, but the house cannot afford it. I'm going to try and pool some money together from volunteers and see what we can do. Once bandaged and cleaned of tears i brought him back and made sure he was ok...

In the afternoon i went to Kaligat for the first time. Now, I am very sensitive to energy in its extremes. From the moment i walked in a wave of pain and negativity hit me. At least witht he children they have the spark of life, no matter how bad their ailment or deformity... but the majority of themse men are filled with desease and/or waiting for death. You can sense that the know the time is near. Some are missing limbs, some are rotting, some are only bones will very little flesh. Some cannot speak, some cannot move, some are so dead inside that that are but corpses with hearts that havn't havn't realized it yet. Now there are also some who are happy, some whos situation has not gottne the best of them.. some whose stregth of will has kept them alove and even full of hope... but the dispair of the many smothers the joy of the few within me as I watch grown men shit themselves and then cry because they have not moved by their own will in a very long time... as i watch some rot away...

later, on the way home, my heart was crushed further. Unfortunatly the women have already have had bad expreinces with some of the men here that has left some of them negative about the men of this country... Understandablly they are angry.. but a comment slipped that sent a pike into myheart as I have tried come to love these people... ive had too.. you cannot pour your sweat for a people with a blind eye...
ok i'm being veyge...
anyway.. there were other things too... but needless to say i needed a beer at the end of the day.. and then by 10 i wasn in my hotel and fast asleep...

here are some pics...

2005-07-03T04:51:00.000-04:00

some days are harder then others...

2005-07-02T05:01:00.000-04:00

This city has a way of stretching you to the brink. The rest of yesturday was emotionally draining. The girls in our group are having a hard time dealing with the kind of danger that exists for women in this country. The several "incidents" that have occured in the last couple days turned last nights group meeting into a venting ground which left many in tears and hystaria. The men in the room served as soundoff booths trying to give the support that we knew the women needed. By the end we all needed to get out... Luckily it was Canada day and witht he help of some non-canadians we returned to an easier mood on a 9th floor roof padio with beer and chips...

Today at daya dan was the hardest so far. The day started ok as we returned to familier faces. I already have favourites.. Some of their faces shin with so much love and brightness that that make you want to love them and take them home. Today though, the energy of the place was a little off. Between the massive tantrums, the crying, and the fact that almost every kid peed their pants (covering me) I was wiped when i got off today. I'm still loving it but i'm realizing that this is not going to be a walk in the park.. especially when i start at Kaligat in 2 days.

still, the smiles of these kids makes everything worth it. I held this one kid for an hour... blind, he jsut wanted to be held and sung too... i'm not sure if my singing is good for much... but it made him happy, which in turn made me happy...

Tomorrow is a new day

um.. i will not squat cus i have diareha and it aint pretty!

2005-07-01T04:32:00.000-04:00

wow.. last night was crazy. The mass was awsome but trying to get back to the hotel ended up more complicated then expected. Between the mass of children that came from the garbage shacks that jumped us for our water (i thought it was cute but some of us were a little freakd out), the other masses of street kids that wanted attention(which was fun but exhausting and left my head black with sut), and the moter rickshaw ride of DEATH (playing chicken with big cabs in a wood/metal moterized cart is a BAD idea... o trying to ram a bus was not good either!) by the time we finally got home i needed a beer. So for 90 rubees (2.50) we got to try 650 ml of kingfisher strong. Finally relaxed i showered and was in bed by 10.

Now it is Canada day and our first da of volunteering. Although i don't start full days until monday, In the morning i am at Daya dan with disabled children and in the afternoon i'm at Kaligat with the dying and destitute. Wake up call was at 5 am but i had long been up. My malaria pills are giveing me interesting dreams and I think i'm on Canada time because by 2 am i was getting up every 40 min or so... Mass was at 6, a quick breakfast, and then off to volunteering at 730 in the morning.

The kids are great! So innocent... i held one child in my hands for almost an hour becaus he just wanted to be held.. my heart broke for him. His legs are malformed so he can't stand on his own and he is mentally handicaped so only actions are communicatable.

I wore a canadian flag sticker and it was a hit with several of the kids... by the end of the day the sticker had traveled and had been stuck and restuck to every part of my/their face imaginable... i think the flashy red was a good thing..hehe
anway, i need to shower... until next time

2005-06-30T03:21:00.000-04:00

well once again i have little time to post... but here ar some highlights for out day off...

joahna: Take a picture of my bum! i've got bumsweat!"

I bartered for the first time! Bought a handmade travel chess set for 300 rubes. The askeing price was 450 and I should have paid 200 but it was my first time bartering and i was a little less agressive then i should have been. You have to be willing to walk away.. its a game of chess.. or poker... you have to bluff.. they will bluff back... and in the end someone wins...

things I forgot in Canada:
-WATCH!!!
-face cloth
-software for my camera so i can post pictures...
-rain jacket... cus you know.. it rains alot durring monsoon...hehe

In the news:
-about 5 hours after we left the airport 170 people rioted breaking computers and beating up workers and policemen... why you may ask... because their flight was 5 hours late and they were hungry...
-in Other news... a middle aged women was hit by a truck (who would have thought the streets were a little dangerous..um..) and in response the locals blocked the streets, burned the truck responsible along side another bus, and proceeded to beat up the driver and anyone who helped... remind me to watch my step.

Tomorrow is our first day of work and i have to be out of bed for 430! Can't wait!

day 1 in Kalkuta...the longest day in life...

2005-06-29T10:02:00.000-04:00

o man.. so tired..
don't mind if this entry
So my day started monday morning as I got ready for the flight... then 20 hours of flying later (with a 4 hour layover and a 9 and a 1/2 hour time change) I found myself at the airport in Kalkuta at 5am surrounded with enough humidity to fill a stadium. Then came the taxi ride of death.. it was AWOSME.. there are no rules fo the road, no right side of the street or right of way... you just go as fast as you can wherever you can and try not to hit people or the random cows,pigs and goats the run around playing in the streets. We had orientation today at the mother house and tomorrow is a recoup from jet lag day... I believe we start volunteering on fri and if you want to find me i'l be at daya dan in the morning (working with disabled children) and kaligat in the afternoon (working with the dying)
anyway.. i'm not coherant right now.... so i'm off... need sleep

Leaving on a jet plane...

2005-06-27T15:58:00.000-04:00

-Here I am after a day in a parade... it looks like i'm wearing a shirt...

-Anyway, Welcome to my Travel blog...I leave in a few hours for my seocnd trip of the year. To Kulcutta I go to volunteer for a month with the missionaries of charity... i'm hopeing to update often and with detail so that my friends back home and abroad can read about my misadventures as they happen and are fresh in my mind.