I’m sitting waiting for my flight back to Canada and trying to get my head around the fact that I’m leaving this place. (That and trying to get through a hang over since my friends bought me a lot of liqueur which we all drank very fast before we said our good byes and I got on the bus to Tokyo. Its been a week of tears and free booze). Not my home, though maybe more my home then anywhere else, its been a really hard experience getting ready to say good bye. I’ve just scratched the surface of the language (I suck) and have not experienced half of what I should have while being here. The next 6 months back in Canada thus are not about being home (since I don’t think that I am particularly bound to Canada), but about giving me a 2nd chance to get my shit together and then get my ass back to Asia. I’m going to do a semester of school to try and get some good grades, up my gpa, get references from profs so I can apply to grad school. I’m also going to do the LSAT’s and apply to law school too. So somehow I have to turn into someone I’m not. I have to somehow buckle down and focus for 6 months. My friend Michael is the ideal of what I have to be this next little while. He studied for 2 months for the GRE’s and had the focus of a surgeon. He said himself that his life sucked for that time being that he was either working, studying at the gym or sleeping. I think he granted himself one day off a week turning town many invitations for nights out and turning into a temporary sort of hermit. But, in the end he scored a crazy high score and now will have a lot of doors opened to him that he did not have before. Those that know me well know that I am not the type to be able to focus long. I am too social and too easily diverted from seriousness that the chances of my pulling this all together with the results I want are pretty slim. But I’m going to try.
And then, while I wait to hear back from schools about my fall 09 application I’ll head back to Asia. Its funny, There are many reasons why I would want to choose somewhere else to go next. For example, economically in the short term Korea pays a lot better and the cost of living is a lot cheaper. Though of course the style of living is a little harder to adapt to. In the long term, it seems it would probably serve me better to learn Chinese or Arab instead of Japanese since these two are, and are predicated to be, the most profitable languages in the world after English. But, after spending 10 months working on getting a basic understanding of the language there is a part of me that does not want to start over. Of course, 10 months is nothing and my skills are so low that starting over would probably not be the end of the world. I’m always changing my mind about everything and in the end its hard to know where I’ll end up... but I do love japan and will be back. If things stay as they are now I’ll be back this summer and staying till grad school. We’ll see.

crazy

so guys.. i'm home soon... at airport... arg! i don't want to leave!

will post what i wrote on the bus here later... see you guys soon!

when the sky falls you never stand still.

So it seems that i have this knack for creating options out of chaos and giving myself ways out even when things come crashing down. Something small that was not really an issue turned into a monster which led a company to try and protect itself, and left me homeless and without a job in a country I love but still don't understand.
I was given 4 days to find a place to live and find a new job or have to go home. Well, its been a week and I’ve managed to find a place to stay that is a lot cheaper then where I was living, (free till Christmas)and now I'm working at a bar and also working for myself doing private lessons and clearing more per week then I was at my previous job. The cool thing is, I’m making more then I was before and most days only working 3 hours.
But, in the week in which I’ve managed to save the world.. or rather my world, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I could stay here and make some decent money. I could build my client base and see what being an entrepreneur feels like...
But as anyone that has ever read my blog knows, I am continually ranting about how I would love to go to grad school even if there is more money to be made else where and even if I might fail. So, I’m going to make a stab in the dark. At Christmas I will hand over what I’ve managed to build up so far to a friend and come home for a stint. (I’ve been surprised at how easy it has been to build a small client base) The plan is to head back to school for a semester of non-degree status. I’ve been told that if I can work my ass off and get at least 3 A’s and a B plus (though I’ll aim for 4 a’s) I can erase the effect of 2 bad marks from 3rd year and get my overall to a high B+ (now a B) and my philosophy grads to a A- (now a B+) This will also give me time to suck up for some academic references which currently I do not have and also give me time pick a school and start talking to profs from the school I want to attend. Then in the summer I’ll apply to grad school, and maybe do my LSAT and apply to law school as a back up plan, and then head back to japan while I wait for the answer.
Yess I know that I always seem to have a different plan and that this is just another in a line of many, but this is all I’ve got.
So ya, I’ll be buying my ticket soon. In Cornwall dec 20th for the holidays and then headed back to Toronto to upgrade something I already finished while people I went to are either already in their careers or are in grad school... I hope I’m not being crazy.

quote of the week...

"The end. Aaaaaah! Plat. Finished... not a nice way to die.... the best thing would be to break your neck , but you'd probably just break your leg and then you couldn't do anything. You'd yell at the top of your lungs, but nobody would hear you, and you couldn't expect anyone to find you, and you'd have centipedes and spiders crawling all over you, and trhe bones of the ones who died before are scattered all around you, and it's dark and soggy, and high overhead there's this tiny tiny circle of light like a winter moon. You die there in this place, little by little, all by yourself... "

its better to follow ones heart and fail and then turn to a second option in defeat then to coward onself into practicality... so grad school it is. But, practicality must prvail at some point, atleast so much as to not poison the future too much.. so i have to pay off some of this debt first.. atleast the stuff thats not osap. So i need to pay off 15k asap. Don't think i can do that in 10 months, so although my every hearts desire is to go back to school fall 08... i'm going to have to put it off till 09. But, no matter whats going on at that point.. i have to go back. I refuse to be a "i wish i had" type of guy....

the only thing that bothers me.. am i poisoning my future by starting later.. or would i be poisoning my future by going back with so much debt still lingering...

ok so there are other things bothering me... but i was never good at making actual life decisions.. ive always been more of an overthinker who acts at the last moment when action is all that is left....

in other news, I find myself knowing myself more these days. I am of amn of good intentions but weak will. I am the nice guy who ends up being the villian because he is not honest or atleast knows not himself. This being said, it comes to reason that though i'm glad i'm not them i really respect my little brother and sister... one married the other engaged and both on life journeys with much of the play already set up...or atleast direction. I can't even say who i am or what i want... and....
ok so i'm wining alot today...
shop that, ive ben over complaining alot as of late... maybe soon i'll be able to get my head on straight...

crap.. i have eventually make a choice...

ok, so here it is... My heart says go to grad school... though i'm only a mid B average student... though i know that i will never be rich and never publish anything worth while as a mediore philosopher...... though i will have to struggle to pay the bills...

and then i am faced with another option. Go to teachers college and make decent money and have summers off and enough money to pursue philosophy/ writing/ travel on my own terms... but then to have a job teaching the same things at an introductory level that limits the amount of questioning that can be done and is strangled by procedure and guideline...

Law school, the previously stated option is not one. I am a decent thinker.. but not on the spot. I need time to think out my position and passion of the moment often blocks logical progress....

So the question is.. does one choose passion the limits but makes one happy...knowing that poverty is imminent... or does one choose a means to pay for things that are outside of the range of that means. should ones work be the dream or can ones work be the way to allowing for the dream. Is 8 weeks of intellectual freedom and monetary safety during that time worth taking a step down? Or is it a step up?

I have something like 2 months to decide...

well, i:m waiting for the bus and about to climb fuji.. lone. long story, but its good. i have been way to pathetic in the self motivation area as of late and i think this will hlp me clear my head. Ive been going through alot and doing alot of stupid things as of late... ill tell later... but needles to say i think fuji and i are simular beings.. i:ll let you decide what that means.

hmm

Ok so its come apparent to me that I need to get my ass in gear. Yes I like to have fun, and yes I’m in japan and it’s a palce to have fun... but I have some major debt and it hasn’t gone down any since I came here (ya I know I came here to pay stuff off...) Unfortunately for me there have been some key factors in my ability to save
1. Showed up in Japan with 500 bucks and didn’t get a paycheck for 6 weeks so I kind of owed some people some major cash from the get go.
2. I live alone. I’ve never lived alone before and I now realize I HATE it. With no bodies around I either spend way too much time doing nothing... (I find no motivation to study in silence... I’ve studied with noise around me for too long) or find myself frantricly looking for something to do to keep me out of the house. The upside of this is that I know a lot of people... (though unfortunately with the high turnover all your time spent making foreign friends is out the window every couple of months. But, I’m trying to make more Japanese friends these days)
3. I like to drink. This kind of goes hand in hand with number 2 as to why I’ve been spending a lot of money.
SO, from here on in I’m going to try and find a ballence.

The good news in all this is that between my bonus and other things even if I don’t save any money I’ll walk out with 4k to put on bills.. .but I need to get 15k worth of bills paid off before I go back to school.. So um... time to bleed some money.

i ran accross this on a site and thought it was funny...A good account of why i miss and not miss being in school...

The Five Stages of Reading Derrida, Lacan, Freud &c
1. Clear some time in your schedule.Due to the fact that reading the works of any of these fine fellows will surely occupy an expansive amount of time, you should certainly cancel any and all obligations, commitments, appointments, and dates in order to fully realize the infrastructure necessary to consume, with all attainable mastery of that which constitutes "reading", the works, essays, texts, symbols, hieroglyphs, lines, shapes, and interruptions of white space by black figures that may (or may not) comprise the expression of minds of genius on topics essential to our very understanding of the manner in which we communicate, by and under which, we live out our very lives. Estimate at least twenty to thirty minutes per page.

2. Stand on your head. This will promote circulation to the region most active during your safari into decipherment and descent into descanting.

3.Hide your clocks.Having to regularly view these wretched contraptions will simply remind you how much time has passed since you began reading..... yesterday.

4. Be careful when releasing anger and frustration.When you finally become so entangled and embroiled by that which has captivated your attention for a span of time exceeding that of any other span of time representing the length of duration that measured the completion of work for other classes, you may feel the need to release this frustration by manifestation of such emotion in the physical realm in which we all (are under the perception that we) live in. It is necessary to take care. Never aim to cause harm, bodily or otherwise, to small children, household pets, the elderly, or yourself. Inanimate objects, while intricately woven molecularly into the grand web of being and thus exist as a mere extension of the animate form and essence, are typically fair game. For instance, hurling the book in your hand which contains the evening's selected reading should produce a sensation of euphoric ecstasy. Merely remind yourself to aim said book-become-flying-object in directions opposite of other living creatures.

5. Quit.Quitting is hip and in vouge. Besides, all those signifiers on that page really do not signify their intended significations. In fact, fuck it. It don't matter none anyhow. Jest relize that wurds relly dont mene nuthin at'all. They jus' bes hows we tryin to say shit n shit. So, at this point, use that there phone an go head call up yo freenz and go drink... alot... cuz you'll be all tired an shit.

ugg

well.. it seems that uncontrollable circumstances have forced my hand.
Before i can do any more school to pursue ANY path I have bills to pay. I have 4500 in credit cards dating back to my stupidity in my first years of college, a computer that is STILL not paid off, and I have to pay off my 10k line of credit that my parents keep telling me is causing them too much stress because they are co-signers. (Kicking myself for going to private school for half of university... though still happy I did) Toppled on to this is the 30k I owe in osap and the couple hundred dollars I owe to a few friends...and you see why I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t even consolidate to lower interest rates because I’ve been late on a few payments. I’m sending half my paycheck home but something always comes up to chip away at what I send. (like the recent bank holiday that cost me 75 bucks in nsf charges cus the money was stuck in transit) tie this up with the fact that though I LOVE Japan and want to stay here... it is too expensive to live here when I loose half my paycheck. I THINK I can have my credit cards payed off by the February... and so I’m going to go home for a month and then move to Korea where it is cheaper to live and where I’d make more money.
It sucks when your 25 and you know your going to have to put your life on hold for a few more years... especially when all your friends are already on their way or have arrived to where they want to be...
Of course only things of the future and finances are bad. Life here is good. I have a good girlfriend, good friends, and am keeping up with my philosophical readings. But, to be sure, I can’t wait until this cloud is no longer over my head....

whining part 2

I have been thinking frantically as of late about what to do for the future... yet all actions seem counter intuitive. My heart is telling me to screw it all and continue digesting life as I have... it hasn’t failed me yet... but the other part tells me that in my life I have always ended up falling behind because I’ve taken to long to decide... What I THINK I’m going to do is put off doing more school for now. I have a chance to make some decent money and have some decent travel time while still not locking myself into a life time direction. Teaching English overseas is always still an in between thing.. But then again, if I were to go back to school and get an actual plan I could make twice the money and still travel if I wanted... It all seems so mixed up. Nothing is making sense.
I was thinking law school... But all thought I’d love the work, I don’t think I was cut out to work 49 weeks a year. Then again, I’m a philosophy nut.. And only a mediocre one at that... so though I’d love to be a professor.. There are not that many jobs and too many people way more intelligent and disciplined then I. I still might get my masters... even just for my own sake. Even if I were never to use it... there is something about having my doctorate that is somewhat appealing to me.. Even if I never got a job to use it with... But then again.. Could I hack it. Meh. For now I’m here.. And life is good. I’m not stepping forward... but I’m not stepping backwards... and maybe that something. I’m holding my ground.... but what grounds am I occupying is the bigger question.
I’m becoming a broken record and I think after this post I’ll change it.. But I think I need just a little more time to babble on in self doubt. Just a little more time to waste...why not.
You know what I think? I think I have read too much. I have learned too much about men who have left their mark and it kills me that I have no mark to give. And even if I did I would not appreciate it since most marks are not felt until after death. Names remembered are never remembered in ones life time so why is being forgotten for picking the wrong road so prevalent in my mind. Why does it matter? Why am I haunted by unwritten pages that would be ashes before anything could matter? All things that happen are burned before they are venerated. And what worth can be found in ashes but myth and fairy tail.
Ok... so I’m not sure if I’ve lost sense... but sense has lost itself in me a long time ago. Maybe I will just breath... not wait.. But not jump forward into the abyss either. Maybe it will be better to just breath and ask questions about breathing... to forget about time lines that matter to no one except those who make them. Maybe there is a balance that I can live between the eternal whore of life and the duelist rejection. If I find it..

You’ll be the first to know...

Ok... can you say confused. As it stands I’m 25 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure I have ideas... but as to if I really want to pursue those ideas or not... I really don’t know.
First, I need to decide soon for pragmatic reasons relating to things like contracts if I’m going to go back to school fall 2008 or if I’m going to stick around here. Second, if I decide to go back to school what am I going to go for? Law school is an option... but do I really want to be a lawyer? Could I really see myself being the that serious? And then again there’s the PHD thing... but I’m not sure I have the grads for it... and even if I do there is no guarantee that when I finally get the thing if I’ll even be able to find a job. And then again I’ve thought about taking the easy way out and just go to teachers college so that I can have summers off... but can I really see myself teaching people who for the most part don’t want to be there? And then again maybe there are other options.. But I have no clue what they are. I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something different... but I’ve spent too much time thinking and now I’m 3 years behind being that if I had don’t things write I would have graduated university 2 years earlier then I did. But then what is right? Where does it say that I need to make other people happy or to have an actual direction? Where do I really have to fit? But then again... I want to matter just a little... or even be good at something. It seems that in everything that one becomes an expert at the age of conception is back more years then I can turn and I’m left with being mediocre... or I’m not and yet because all I can do is think and not act I will eventually come to the day where this lie has become true.
Its funny, I’m off on this adventure... in fact to some it seems that I’m always off on an adventure... and yet I’m still asking the same dumb questions everyone else does... the only problem is I’ll be 30 and still not have the answers.... I’ll still be wandering... trying to find myself. I mean, at least I’ve always got a story to tell and friends who care about me... but will I end up like so many others in my class (social not educational) nearing 60, still working jobs I don’t like for money that doesn’t stretch far enough... defeated by time.
Even in the basics of life I am a wreck. I used to be a man of such high principles. Even if sometimes I was misguided.. At least I stood for and lived for something... now I am in shambles. I am aware of what I agree with... but no longer live like I believe my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts anyway... everything spins into nausea.

Don’t mind me.. My mind has had better days.

I finally got my camera back from my friend. Here are two pics to set the town. Drinking and a girlfriend.... Headed to Tokyo tomorrow... its about time i started a little traveling...

some pics

Put that into your tickle bank.

Well, i finally got a camera... A free 7.2 megapixal 300 buck camera for signing up for the internet.. got to love this country. As soon as i get a chance to buy a memory card i'll be able to take more then 3 pictures at a time.. and then i'll start posting more pics from the land of the rising sun.

My girlfriend is in Taiwan this week and my funds are practically zilch till payday so i won't be doing much this week i think. The good news is that I have my first Japanese lesson tomorrow. Ive been learning on my own until now usuing "Japanese for busy people" which has been great... but its time to get a teacher who can kick my ass in gear.

Also, i picked up a copy of Dostoyevsky's Crime and punishment... maybe i can get my mind to start working again.

um... that was a whole lot of naked....

ok so for all you guys back home who laughed at me when i said i was going to lay off the women for a year... ok ok so your not allowed to say i told you so... but i lasted just shy of 3 months. My girlfriend is graduating this year from a Psych degree at okayama university. Japanese, smart, travels more then I do, sarcastic as shit, and a cutie. I'll stick up some pics when i get some. It may be a good thing that this one hooked me.. before i met her i was starting to get into a little trouble.

In other news.. I hit up the Naked man festival this past weekend. I forget the real name.. but the foriegners call it that because you and 7000 other guys put on nothing but a loin cloth and slippers and essentially beat the shit out of each other (mosh pit style) trying to get these two sticks that are thrown out at the crowd after they turn the lights out. they then have to get those sticks to the temple mount to win. The persons that do wim money and are "lucky men" for a year being promised good fortune, power, and women. What is my summation of experience.. well i'll state it like i did on a friends board...

"this sweet weekend... beer, rain, naked, not cool lon cloth wedgy, fight, punch, fight, touched the stick twice,more naked, complete naked while unknowingly being watched changing by 5 girls, more drinking,more more naked, dancing, dawn, drinking, followed by a hungover date which ended with me being lucky enough to have a hot girlfriend.

...major battle scars on my legs, arms, and left foot. i tried going to the gym tonight and i think ive almost killed myself being that i have gashes in many palces. . it was the sweetest weekend so far that i have been here.. but i almost didn't survive it. ..lol I also did a good deed. I protected this little guy who was getting crushed by locking my elbows and knocking any guy that tried to hurt him. I guess 1 person died this year and 3 ppl were in the hospital ... got to love silly guy rituals that no girl would ever want to do..lol"

so ya.. thats my update.

getting things moving

Things are looking up. For the most part i only drink 1 or 2 days a week, i'm going to the gym 3 days a week, Learning Japanese is going well though slow, i'm FINALLY starting to work on the next issue of my zine which i'm hoping to be sending to Canada by mid march, and work is goin decent. Still lost about the future and about all things relating to inner thought... but... everything else is gold.... and i'm participating in naked man festival this year. Its where thousands of guys wear sumo stil clothes and fight it out for 2 sticks. I'm going to die.. but should be fun.
:)

...

I am not what I would like to be, and yet, I am always what I am not and there is nothing outside of that not.

For the moment I become what I am, I seize to exist as anything but a memory. The moment I stop simultaneously creating and destroying myself marks the axe on my grave. But if this is so, then why have I created a self which I despise despite the illusionary existence that that consists of? Why do I legitimize a name that repulses me be continuing in footsteps that lay me out as the fool? But I am a fool.. Or at least I play one on tv. Even the fool cannot be judged so with any coherence except after death, and even then all is lost since all things past are but subjective interpretation.

lol... ok

So my bike is broken, i hurt my arm, my electric razor died, i ruined my favourite work shirt eating somthing spicy and greasy that i can't promounce, and i'm running out of food... what did i do to u mr karma man?



only 8 days till i get my first paycheck. (ok so last month i got a 1 week paycheck.. that doen't count... i still only have 5 bucks and whatever is in my fridge to last me a week.)

hmm.. maybe i can find out where i can sell my body to science when i die...

new country, new job, new year...

Thinking back on the last year I have a lot of memories to cherish and a lot to regret. I was a good friend to some while to others I screwed up royally. I was shown great kindness and was kind to some... but to others I took advantage out of shear incompetence. I traveled the length of Canada almost twice on the kindness of strangers and yet abused the trust of those who helped me out in my home town in the months before I left for japan. I messed up when it came to some relationships..and yet I something good came to be right in time for me to leave. All in all I think 2006 gets an A in adventure, a B+ in romance, a B in finances...and a D+ in my display of virtue...
That being said, without goals for the future everything is a stand still, a blind jump, or a spiraling. With that in mind lets see if I can make and direct myself towards some new years resolutions.
2007:
1. Get rid of beer gut (go to gym more regularly)
2. Drink less (to help with #1)
3. Join one of the following: karate/kick boxing/yoga/palates
4. Learn Japanese enough to take basic level proficiency test for next year
5. Explore Japan
6. Prepare for Grad school applications
7. Write more often.
8. Submit an essay to a journal.
9. Pay off all credit cards (4500.00 Canadian)
10.Seek virtue and consistency between belief and action.

Here is a pic from the Black and White Gala i went to my last couple of days in Toronto.

Nomisugimashita

I haven’t been updating regularly but I’m hoping to change that. I’ve been on vacation and though I should have been doing a lot.. I haven’t. Well, I wrote some post cards, figured out how to send money home, learned how to use my rice cooker, and finally made some Japanese flash cards with the intent on studying... but all in all I’ve either been reading at Starbucks or drinking with friends. If the latter then the usual has been either over poker, at one of our usual pubs, or at the club we frequent. I have a feeling that if I added up all the money spent on partying this break and just stayed sober I could have definitely done at least a little traveling. But drinking is a huge part of the social and work life in this country and in the end maybe its important to make the effort to make friends first and then see stuff later. I mean I have only been here a month and I’m still getting to know the city...I don’t get lost.. but finding things can be an issue with so many side streets and things packed up in levels.
I’ve been pretty lucky when it comes to friends. Everyone I work with is awesome and I’ve made friends with a lot of teachers from other schools too. In the spring when the days are longer and nights a little warmer I’m going to see if I can get some friendly competitional stuff going between the schools. Might be cool to see where that goes. I’ve also made a few Japanese friends.. But in all honesty, the language barrier is still stunting me there. Confidence is hard to have when you can only make out a few words here and there. It’s a cool feeling though when people show speak a little of each others languages are truly able to communicate.

A few rememberable moments from the past 2 weeks:
-Being in front of a dirty dancing conga line. (As weird as it sounds)
-Learning that the difference between making Indian curry and Japanese curry is about 3 days apartment curry smell...lol
-spending 20 min in a class with an entire class laughing as they try to pronounce "seriously"
-Kareoke Kareoke Kareoke