ugg

well.. it seems that uncontrollable circumstances have forced my hand.
Before i can do any more school to pursue ANY path I have bills to pay. I have 4500 in credit cards dating back to my stupidity in my first years of college, a computer that is STILL not paid off, and I have to pay off my 10k line of credit that my parents keep telling me is causing them too much stress because they are co-signers. (Kicking myself for going to private school for half of university... though still happy I did) Toppled on to this is the 30k I owe in osap and the couple hundred dollars I owe to a few friends...and you see why I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t even consolidate to lower interest rates because I’ve been late on a few payments. I’m sending half my paycheck home but something always comes up to chip away at what I send. (like the recent bank holiday that cost me 75 bucks in nsf charges cus the money was stuck in transit) tie this up with the fact that though I LOVE Japan and want to stay here... it is too expensive to live here when I loose half my paycheck. I THINK I can have my credit cards payed off by the February... and so I’m going to go home for a month and then move to Korea where it is cheaper to live and where I’d make more money.
It sucks when your 25 and you know your going to have to put your life on hold for a few more years... especially when all your friends are already on their way or have arrived to where they want to be...
Of course only things of the future and finances are bad. Life here is good. I have a good girlfriend, good friends, and am keeping up with my philosophical readings. But, to be sure, I can’t wait until this cloud is no longer over my head....

whining part 2

I have been thinking frantically as of late about what to do for the future... yet all actions seem counter intuitive. My heart is telling me to screw it all and continue digesting life as I have... it hasn’t failed me yet... but the other part tells me that in my life I have always ended up falling behind because I’ve taken to long to decide... What I THINK I’m going to do is put off doing more school for now. I have a chance to make some decent money and have some decent travel time while still not locking myself into a life time direction. Teaching English overseas is always still an in between thing.. But then again, if I were to go back to school and get an actual plan I could make twice the money and still travel if I wanted... It all seems so mixed up. Nothing is making sense.
I was thinking law school... But all thought I’d love the work, I don’t think I was cut out to work 49 weeks a year. Then again, I’m a philosophy nut.. And only a mediocre one at that... so though I’d love to be a professor.. There are not that many jobs and too many people way more intelligent and disciplined then I. I still might get my masters... even just for my own sake. Even if I were never to use it... there is something about having my doctorate that is somewhat appealing to me.. Even if I never got a job to use it with... But then again.. Could I hack it. Meh. For now I’m here.. And life is good. I’m not stepping forward... but I’m not stepping backwards... and maybe that something. I’m holding my ground.... but what grounds am I occupying is the bigger question.
I’m becoming a broken record and I think after this post I’ll change it.. But I think I need just a little more time to babble on in self doubt. Just a little more time to waste...why not.
You know what I think? I think I have read too much. I have learned too much about men who have left their mark and it kills me that I have no mark to give. And even if I did I would not appreciate it since most marks are not felt until after death. Names remembered are never remembered in ones life time so why is being forgotten for picking the wrong road so prevalent in my mind. Why does it matter? Why am I haunted by unwritten pages that would be ashes before anything could matter? All things that happen are burned before they are venerated. And what worth can be found in ashes but myth and fairy tail.
Ok... so I’m not sure if I’ve lost sense... but sense has lost itself in me a long time ago. Maybe I will just breath... not wait.. But not jump forward into the abyss either. Maybe it will be better to just breath and ask questions about breathing... to forget about time lines that matter to no one except those who make them. Maybe there is a balance that I can live between the eternal whore of life and the duelist rejection. If I find it..

You’ll be the first to know...

Ok... can you say confused. As it stands I’m 25 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure I have ideas... but as to if I really want to pursue those ideas or not... I really don’t know.
First, I need to decide soon for pragmatic reasons relating to things like contracts if I’m going to go back to school fall 2008 or if I’m going to stick around here. Second, if I decide to go back to school what am I going to go for? Law school is an option... but do I really want to be a lawyer? Could I really see myself being the that serious? And then again there’s the PHD thing... but I’m not sure I have the grads for it... and even if I do there is no guarantee that when I finally get the thing if I’ll even be able to find a job. And then again I’ve thought about taking the easy way out and just go to teachers college so that I can have summers off... but can I really see myself teaching people who for the most part don’t want to be there? And then again maybe there are other options.. But I have no clue what they are. I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something different... but I’ve spent too much time thinking and now I’m 3 years behind being that if I had don’t things write I would have graduated university 2 years earlier then I did. But then what is right? Where does it say that I need to make other people happy or to have an actual direction? Where do I really have to fit? But then again... I want to matter just a little... or even be good at something. It seems that in everything that one becomes an expert at the age of conception is back more years then I can turn and I’m left with being mediocre... or I’m not and yet because all I can do is think and not act I will eventually come to the day where this lie has become true.
Its funny, I’m off on this adventure... in fact to some it seems that I’m always off on an adventure... and yet I’m still asking the same dumb questions everyone else does... the only problem is I’ll be 30 and still not have the answers.... I’ll still be wandering... trying to find myself. I mean, at least I’ve always got a story to tell and friends who care about me... but will I end up like so many others in my class (social not educational) nearing 60, still working jobs I don’t like for money that doesn’t stretch far enough... defeated by time.
Even in the basics of life I am a wreck. I used to be a man of such high principles. Even if sometimes I was misguided.. At least I stood for and lived for something... now I am in shambles. I am aware of what I agree with... but no longer live like I believe my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts anyway... everything spins into nausea.

Don’t mind me.. My mind has had better days.

I finally got my camera back from my friend. Here are two pics to set the town. Drinking and a girlfriend.... Headed to Tokyo tomorrow... its about time i started a little traveling...

some pics

Put that into your tickle bank.

Well, i finally got a camera... A free 7.2 megapixal 300 buck camera for signing up for the internet.. got to love this country. As soon as i get a chance to buy a memory card i'll be able to take more then 3 pictures at a time.. and then i'll start posting more pics from the land of the rising sun.

My girlfriend is in Taiwan this week and my funds are practically zilch till payday so i won't be doing much this week i think. The good news is that I have my first Japanese lesson tomorrow. Ive been learning on my own until now usuing "Japanese for busy people" which has been great... but its time to get a teacher who can kick my ass in gear.

Also, i picked up a copy of Dostoyevsky's Crime and punishment... maybe i can get my mind to start working again.

um... that was a whole lot of naked....

ok so for all you guys back home who laughed at me when i said i was going to lay off the women for a year... ok ok so your not allowed to say i told you so... but i lasted just shy of 3 months. My girlfriend is graduating this year from a Psych degree at okayama university. Japanese, smart, travels more then I do, sarcastic as shit, and a cutie. I'll stick up some pics when i get some. It may be a good thing that this one hooked me.. before i met her i was starting to get into a little trouble.

In other news.. I hit up the Naked man festival this past weekend. I forget the real name.. but the foriegners call it that because you and 7000 other guys put on nothing but a loin cloth and slippers and essentially beat the shit out of each other (mosh pit style) trying to get these two sticks that are thrown out at the crowd after they turn the lights out. they then have to get those sticks to the temple mount to win. The persons that do wim money and are "lucky men" for a year being promised good fortune, power, and women. What is my summation of experience.. well i'll state it like i did on a friends board...

"this sweet weekend... beer, rain, naked, not cool lon cloth wedgy, fight, punch, fight, touched the stick twice,more naked, complete naked while unknowingly being watched changing by 5 girls, more drinking,more more naked, dancing, dawn, drinking, followed by a hungover date which ended with me being lucky enough to have a hot girlfriend.

...major battle scars on my legs, arms, and left foot. i tried going to the gym tonight and i think ive almost killed myself being that i have gashes in many palces. . it was the sweetest weekend so far that i have been here.. but i almost didn't survive it. ..lol I also did a good deed. I protected this little guy who was getting crushed by locking my elbows and knocking any guy that tried to hurt him. I guess 1 person died this year and 3 ppl were in the hospital ... got to love silly guy rituals that no girl would ever want to do..lol"

so ya.. thats my update.

getting things moving

Things are looking up. For the most part i only drink 1 or 2 days a week, i'm going to the gym 3 days a week, Learning Japanese is going well though slow, i'm FINALLY starting to work on the next issue of my zine which i'm hoping to be sending to Canada by mid march, and work is goin decent. Still lost about the future and about all things relating to inner thought... but... everything else is gold.... and i'm participating in naked man festival this year. Its where thousands of guys wear sumo stil clothes and fight it out for 2 sticks. I'm going to die.. but should be fun.
:)

...

I am not what I would like to be, and yet, I am always what I am not and there is nothing outside of that not.

For the moment I become what I am, I seize to exist as anything but a memory. The moment I stop simultaneously creating and destroying myself marks the axe on my grave. But if this is so, then why have I created a self which I despise despite the illusionary existence that that consists of? Why do I legitimize a name that repulses me be continuing in footsteps that lay me out as the fool? But I am a fool.. Or at least I play one on tv. Even the fool cannot be judged so with any coherence except after death, and even then all is lost since all things past are but subjective interpretation.

lol... ok

So my bike is broken, i hurt my arm, my electric razor died, i ruined my favourite work shirt eating somthing spicy and greasy that i can't promounce, and i'm running out of food... what did i do to u mr karma man?



only 8 days till i get my first paycheck. (ok so last month i got a 1 week paycheck.. that doen't count... i still only have 5 bucks and whatever is in my fridge to last me a week.)

hmm.. maybe i can find out where i can sell my body to science when i die...

new country, new job, new year...

Thinking back on the last year I have a lot of memories to cherish and a lot to regret. I was a good friend to some while to others I screwed up royally. I was shown great kindness and was kind to some... but to others I took advantage out of shear incompetence. I traveled the length of Canada almost twice on the kindness of strangers and yet abused the trust of those who helped me out in my home town in the months before I left for japan. I messed up when it came to some relationships..and yet I something good came to be right in time for me to leave. All in all I think 2006 gets an A in adventure, a B+ in romance, a B in finances...and a D+ in my display of virtue...
That being said, without goals for the future everything is a stand still, a blind jump, or a spiraling. With that in mind lets see if I can make and direct myself towards some new years resolutions.
2007:
1. Get rid of beer gut (go to gym more regularly)
2. Drink less (to help with #1)
3. Join one of the following: karate/kick boxing/yoga/palates
4. Learn Japanese enough to take basic level proficiency test for next year
5. Explore Japan
6. Prepare for Grad school applications
7. Write more often.
8. Submit an essay to a journal.
9. Pay off all credit cards (4500.00 Canadian)
10.Seek virtue and consistency between belief and action.

Here is a pic from the Black and White Gala i went to my last couple of days in Toronto.

Nomisugimashita

I haven’t been updating regularly but I’m hoping to change that. I’ve been on vacation and though I should have been doing a lot.. I haven’t. Well, I wrote some post cards, figured out how to send money home, learned how to use my rice cooker, and finally made some Japanese flash cards with the intent on studying... but all in all I’ve either been reading at Starbucks or drinking with friends. If the latter then the usual has been either over poker, at one of our usual pubs, or at the club we frequent. I have a feeling that if I added up all the money spent on partying this break and just stayed sober I could have definitely done at least a little traveling. But drinking is a huge part of the social and work life in this country and in the end maybe its important to make the effort to make friends first and then see stuff later. I mean I have only been here a month and I’m still getting to know the city...I don’t get lost.. but finding things can be an issue with so many side streets and things packed up in levels.
I’ve been pretty lucky when it comes to friends. Everyone I work with is awesome and I’ve made friends with a lot of teachers from other schools too. In the spring when the days are longer and nights a little warmer I’m going to see if I can get some friendly competitional stuff going between the schools. Might be cool to see where that goes. I’ve also made a few Japanese friends.. But in all honesty, the language barrier is still stunting me there. Confidence is hard to have when you can only make out a few words here and there. It’s a cool feeling though when people show speak a little of each others languages are truly able to communicate.

A few rememberable moments from the past 2 weeks:
-Being in front of a dirty dancing conga line. (As weird as it sounds)
-Learning that the difference between making Indian curry and Japanese curry is about 3 days apartment curry smell...lol
-spending 20 min in a class with an entire class laughing as they try to pronounce "seriously"
-Kareoke Kareoke Kareoke

um.. ok so all you can drink kareoke places are awsome... predrinking before and drinking after are not. I only spent 20 bucks last night (free drinking due to newness is cool) so that was cool... but this morning at training sucked. its now 6 pm and i still hurt. I'm expected to go to the schools welcome party they are having for me and its expected that i will drink with my managers... this is going to be a long night and i'd rather be in bed..lol. meh, atleast i have 2 days off after this.


Thinking about you makes me dizzy because all i have are my memories...

I taught my first lesson yesterday. This week is training week and has us teaching lessons wed, Thursday and Friday with real students. (They come in after our training to have us try a lesson on them while our trainers sit in the back to observe us.) I finish my training on Saturday and then on Tues I observe at my new school and start teaching full time on wed. Wish me luck! I’m scared.
This weekend we’ll be celebrating my arrival. Fri night is kareoke night and sat night we there is a welcoming party. At the party everything is free and I’ve been told I need to try and out drink my seniors... its going to be a rough weekend...

i made it..

So i'm settled (kinda) in okayama and i'm here to stay.
I arrived a couple days ago and its been pretty insane. When i finally got to my appartment after a 11 hour flight some of my new co- workers stoped bye which extended my day to roughly 30 hours. It was awsome to get such a warm welcome but the next morning of training sucked. Saturday night was awsome though. Me and my training partner were left to our own devices and ended up stumbling on a regae bar after 90 min of wandering downtown okayama. The place was a senses explosion that made me happy to be here. It was a small dark poorly lit room with rageee pariphinalia everywhere, good mucic, and chill locals.

A japanese man with dreads is always cool.

note: when you pay for a shot you actually get the equivilant of a few shots because they don't meassure and they don't care. A few of them was definetly enough for me to feel smiley. After our budgets were spent we decided to we were going to call it.. but then all of a sudden there was a piece of cheese in frunt of us. It seems that the couple to our right had placed it in frunt of us. Then a second piece came and this time the girl of the couple introduced her and her friend. Next thing we know, the four of us are laughing and telling stories and girl's date is buying everyone drink after drink. When the bar begins to close the couple insists on us joing them at another bar whtta serves beer till dawn and soon we are on the dance floor and the beer keeps flowing...

Ive been since told that this happens alot when business people make friends with forigners in small groups. I'm not sure if my liver will make it... though my wallet liked it, i only spent 20 bucks the entire night and i made several new friends. Though ive been told they will probably not accept it, i'm going to try and buy them drinks next time to pay them back.

Sunday was sightseeing, grocery, and studying day but i didn't get half as much done as I wanted too. I think i'm mstill really jetlaged

Right now its monday and I jsut finished a LONG day of training. Im so nervous because i'm supposed to give my first lesson on wed. um.. i'm screwed...lol

actually, i'm doing pretty well. I mean its hard to remember everything and by the end of the day there is very little retention, but from the feedback i'm getting i think i should not screw this up too too much.

In general i'm having an amazing time. Cultural differences take some getting use too, I sometimes feel like i'm living in a japanimie world (SERIOUSLY), and i mean i REALLY need to learn Japanese... but all in all this is going to be an awsome year and a bit.

Anyway, I feel like i'm writing like a 2 year old and not giving the details i'd like since i'm so freaking tired. i'll try to have better updates in the future.

ps:
good news: I don't have to pay rent till the old teacher moves out on the 17th
bad news: I won't have regular internet access until I get to move it.. so um.. bear with me.
Till next time...

"We have lived together in a dream up to now. When we awake will we find each other still?"
I scame around the bed and stood near to her. I worshipped her closeness. I said,
"Well, we must hold hands tightly and hope that we can keep hold of each other through the dream and out into the waking world. "
As she still would not speak I said,
"could we be happy?"
She said,
This has nothing to do with happiness, nothing whatever"
That was true. I took in the promise of her words. I aid
"I wonder if I shall survive it"
She said smiling splendidly,
"You must take your chance!"
I gave her back the bright light of the smaile, now softening at last out of irony.
"So must you, my dear!"

ok so um.. i need to come up with 200 bucks by tomorrow. any lenders out there?

crazy

I'm in vancouver now.

Or rather, i'm in Nannimo and a little drunk.

But i'm missing toronto.

Or rather, i'm missing a girl. Though i know i would have fucked it up if I had stayed. the memories created will be worth a lifetime. I was happiest as of late when i was with her.

The first day of the rest of our lives.. and I miss you already.

Everything sucks when your gone...

Maybe i'll be lucky and see you shortly.

anyway, i'll be on the island till monday seeing old friends and then trying to make some money on the island this week till i fly out on thursday. Then its the scary world of "real life" and "real jobs" um.. o crap.

...

I leave toronto today. I'm sorry to everyone who i should have said goodbye to but didn't. I will miss everyone i have come to call friends here.

I will also miss you. You who held me so tight. I think that I will miss you more then most, though we only lived for but a moment. It's funny how things work out.

Tomorrow will be the goodbyes in Cornwall... then I fly away.

A new chapter.. a new note.
I'm worried that I will fail, I'm worried I will fall.
I'm worried that I will loose... it all.
But this is the ultimate test of metal and I am not a child any more.