The king of the world died today... all pipe dreams are Cancelled.

Wow, i havn`t posted on here in forever....

Turning 27 recently, the number 30 has started to scare the shit out of me. I know i know, age is just a number and there is no set plan for life and we don`t have to fit into anyone elses box of what should be accomplished by what age.... and i know i know I only suffer from the same quarter life crisis that many of m generation seems to be facing.... but the fact remains that i`m 27, 40k in debt with only a BA with unimpressive grades to show for it, no where near a decent job that I can say is going to go anywhere, unable to commit to a relationship that might go anywhere, and living paycheck to paycheck. This limbo of self created nihilistic circularity is growing this and though i keep having more and more experiences and though i am slowly moving forward... I`m already saying what people in their 40`s often say... I wish i could turn back the clock.


But enough wining, i:m here now and the only thing that remains of the past are scraps of paper and fading memories. Time for bigger steps or at least bigger focus. Time for routine again to show its ugly head so that i might focus on getting things moving again...

I have ideas.... but waste so much time. Time being one thing that is at the same time worthless and precious, meaningless and soling meaningful.

At the moment I at least have a few things to keep me busy, though nothing that's keeping me moving. I`m working on my Japanese on the slim hope that it will be useful if i can bribe my way into law school. I`m also thumbing around some business ideas to maximize the money I can make while treading water.

Girls seem to be coming into and out of my life.... The good ones slip out of my fingers because i can`t seem to convince myself to hold on strong enough. I still miss a love I once had that was neither good for her or I but who haunts me dreams even though it has been some time. I ended it out of practicality but I think it was I who suffered most by leaving...

My dreams have been as scattered as I have been. The internal turmoil of the last 12 months seems to be growing but more so out of nothingness then out of actual problems. My life is good, I have good friends, family that loves me and gets angry when I`m out of touch...

But i think that all that has come before this leads me to say that there is something missing... something i once had and lost along the way... something that might not be attainable again or even desirable and of which can never accurately be but into words or described...

So from here I make my line in the sand. From here I cannot look up or out or in. From now I draw a line with the unknown which is ultimately the self since the self is the lens that makes everything else.

Including lines.