whining part 2

I have been thinking frantically as of late about what to do for the future... yet all actions seem counter intuitive. My heart is telling me to screw it all and continue digesting life as I have... it hasn’t failed me yet... but the other part tells me that in my life I have always ended up falling behind because I’ve taken to long to decide... What I THINK I’m going to do is put off doing more school for now. I have a chance to make some decent money and have some decent travel time while still not locking myself into a life time direction. Teaching English overseas is always still an in between thing.. But then again, if I were to go back to school and get an actual plan I could make twice the money and still travel if I wanted... It all seems so mixed up. Nothing is making sense.
I was thinking law school... But all thought I’d love the work, I don’t think I was cut out to work 49 weeks a year. Then again, I’m a philosophy nut.. And only a mediocre one at that... so though I’d love to be a professor.. There are not that many jobs and too many people way more intelligent and disciplined then I. I still might get my masters... even just for my own sake. Even if I were never to use it... there is something about having my doctorate that is somewhat appealing to me.. Even if I never got a job to use it with... But then again.. Could I hack it. Meh. For now I’m here.. And life is good. I’m not stepping forward... but I’m not stepping backwards... and maybe that something. I’m holding my ground.... but what grounds am I occupying is the bigger question.
I’m becoming a broken record and I think after this post I’ll change it.. But I think I need just a little more time to babble on in self doubt. Just a little more time to waste...why not.
You know what I think? I think I have read too much. I have learned too much about men who have left their mark and it kills me that I have no mark to give. And even if I did I would not appreciate it since most marks are not felt until after death. Names remembered are never remembered in ones life time so why is being forgotten for picking the wrong road so prevalent in my mind. Why does it matter? Why am I haunted by unwritten pages that would be ashes before anything could matter? All things that happen are burned before they are venerated. And what worth can be found in ashes but myth and fairy tail.
Ok... so I’m not sure if I’ve lost sense... but sense has lost itself in me a long time ago. Maybe I will just breath... not wait.. But not jump forward into the abyss either. Maybe it will be better to just breath and ask questions about breathing... to forget about time lines that matter to no one except those who make them. Maybe there is a balance that I can live between the eternal whore of life and the duelist rejection. If I find it..

You’ll be the first to know...

Ok... can you say confused. As it stands I’m 25 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure I have ideas... but as to if I really want to pursue those ideas or not... I really don’t know.
First, I need to decide soon for pragmatic reasons relating to things like contracts if I’m going to go back to school fall 2008 or if I’m going to stick around here. Second, if I decide to go back to school what am I going to go for? Law school is an option... but do I really want to be a lawyer? Could I really see myself being the that serious? And then again there’s the PHD thing... but I’m not sure I have the grads for it... and even if I do there is no guarantee that when I finally get the thing if I’ll even be able to find a job. And then again I’ve thought about taking the easy way out and just go to teachers college so that I can have summers off... but can I really see myself teaching people who for the most part don’t want to be there? And then again maybe there are other options.. But I have no clue what they are. I’ve always felt like I was supposed to do something different... but I’ve spent too much time thinking and now I’m 3 years behind being that if I had don’t things write I would have graduated university 2 years earlier then I did. But then what is right? Where does it say that I need to make other people happy or to have an actual direction? Where do I really have to fit? But then again... I want to matter just a little... or even be good at something. It seems that in everything that one becomes an expert at the age of conception is back more years then I can turn and I’m left with being mediocre... or I’m not and yet because all I can do is think and not act I will eventually come to the day where this lie has become true.
Its funny, I’m off on this adventure... in fact to some it seems that I’m always off on an adventure... and yet I’m still asking the same dumb questions everyone else does... the only problem is I’ll be 30 and still not have the answers.... I’ll still be wandering... trying to find myself. I mean, at least I’ve always got a story to tell and friends who care about me... but will I end up like so many others in my class (social not educational) nearing 60, still working jobs I don’t like for money that doesn’t stretch far enough... defeated by time.
Even in the basics of life I am a wreck. I used to be a man of such high principles. Even if sometimes I was misguided.. At least I stood for and lived for something... now I am in shambles. I am aware of what I agree with... but no longer live like I believe my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts anyway... everything spins into nausea.

Don’t mind me.. My mind has had better days.