Wow, i havn`t posted on here in forever....
Turning 27 recently, the number 30 has started to scare the shit out of me. I know i know, age is just a number and there is no set plan for life and we don`t have to fit into anyone elses box of what should be accomplished by what age.... and i know i know I only suffer from the same quarter life crisis that many of m generation seems to be facing.... but the fact remains that i`m 27, 40k in debt with only a BA with unimpressive grades to show for it, no where near a decent job that I can say is going to go anywhere, unable to commit to a relationship that might go anywhere, and living paycheck to paycheck. This limbo of self created nihilistic circularity is growing this and though i keep having more and more experiences and though i am slowly moving forward... I`m already saying what people in their 40`s often say... I wish i could turn back the clock.
But enough wining, i:m here now and the only thing that remains of the past are scraps of paper and fading memories. Time for bigger steps or at least bigger focus. Time for routine again to show its ugly head so that i might focus on getting things moving again...
I have ideas.... but waste so much time. Time being one thing that is at the same time worthless and precious, meaningless and soling meaningful.
At the moment I at least have a few things to keep me busy, though nothing that's keeping me moving. I`m working on my Japanese on the slim hope that it will be useful if i can bribe my way into law school. I`m also thumbing around some business ideas to maximize the money I can make while treading water.
Girls seem to be coming into and out of my life.... The good ones slip out of my fingers because i can`t seem to convince myself to hold on strong enough. I still miss a love I once had that was neither good for her or I but who haunts me dreams even though it has been some time. I ended it out of practicality but I think it was I who suffered most by leaving...
My dreams have been as scattered as I have been. The internal turmoil of the last 12 months seems to be growing but more so out of nothingness then out of actual problems. My life is good, I have good friends, family that loves me and gets angry when I`m out of touch...
But i think that all that has come before this leads me to say that there is something missing... something i once had and lost along the way... something that might not be attainable again or even desirable and of which can never accurately be but into words or described...
So from here I make my line in the sand. From here I cannot look up or out or in. From now I draw a line with the unknown which is ultimately the self since the self is the lens that makes everything else.
Including lines.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
Its probably been said a thousand times a million better ways then i can say it... but here it goes anyway....
When one becomes the other to oneself how can one not be anything but lost. Yet, how can one NOT be the other to ones Self since any sort of self exploration or self identity must first leave the Self in order to look back. But once one has left the Self the Self from which one has come no longer exists as such, but rather exists as a preceived thing. A myth. Said again, if in seeking the Other i create an other which is other then the object of my attention then it seems clear that the same things must occur when i look at myself. Thus the ever so famous `know thyself` is an impossibility. The Self (in-itself) cannot be known. If this famous phrase of worldly wisdom is to mean anything at all then it couldmean to `Create A self`. But even this seems to be someone redundent since one cannot help but to create a self and the self which one creates can never match up with the Self that one actually is. Thus introspection can be nothing but a sort of conflict or civil war between the Self and the self. Or rather the Self that I am and cannot know and the self that I create but is not me.
The only light at the end of the tunnel may be that our famous phrase might be saved at last if it is changed even further. `Create a self in which one might be happy to be` In that even if the Self cannot be known atleast that effect of the Self may be seen, implying that it may be known When the self and the Self seek a truce which never the less acknowledge the inability to converge. Of course, `happiness` here is but the word in which i have placed meaning in and thus need not expand to your own interpretation.
ok so i really have not thought this to the end and the opinion is somewhat laughable, old, and unintelligently presented... but atleast im thinking again....
When one becomes the other to oneself how can one not be anything but lost. Yet, how can one NOT be the other to ones Self since any sort of self exploration or self identity must first leave the Self in order to look back. But once one has left the Self the Self from which one has come no longer exists as such, but rather exists as a preceived thing. A myth. Said again, if in seeking the Other i create an other which is other then the object of my attention then it seems clear that the same things must occur when i look at myself. Thus the ever so famous `know thyself` is an impossibility. The Self (in-itself) cannot be known. If this famous phrase of worldly wisdom is to mean anything at all then it couldmean to `Create A self`. But even this seems to be someone redundent since one cannot help but to create a self and the self which one creates can never match up with the Self that one actually is. Thus introspection can be nothing but a sort of conflict or civil war between the Self and the self. Or rather the Self that I am and cannot know and the self that I create but is not me.
The only light at the end of the tunnel may be that our famous phrase might be saved at last if it is changed even further. `Create a self in which one might be happy to be` In that even if the Self cannot be known atleast that effect of the Self may be seen, implying that it may be known When the self and the Self seek a truce which never the less acknowledge the inability to converge. Of course, `happiness` here is but the word in which i have placed meaning in and thus need not expand to your own interpretation.
ok so i really have not thought this to the end and the opinion is somewhat laughable, old, and unintelligently presented... but atleast im thinking again....
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
So i have a job interview on friday and if things go well i'll be headed to Japan the first week of July and headed to either Tokyo or Osaka. Either way i'm headed there right before the hottest time of the year and i possibly may die.
meh, Anyway, I signed up for the LSAT today. Not sure if i'd make a good lawyer... but atleast im tryoing to get my options open. IF i was jsut a little bit smarter or rather, if I was rich, i'd head to grads school... but i'm not either and thus the pragmatics of life may win over my idealism. On the other hand, i'm applying ot grad school to and letting the fates decide.
In other news I met a girl.
meh, Anyway, I signed up for the LSAT today. Not sure if i'd make a good lawyer... but atleast im tryoing to get my options open. IF i was jsut a little bit smarter or rather, if I was rich, i'd head to grads school... but i'm not either and thus the pragmatics of life may win over my idealism. On the other hand, i'm applying ot grad school to and letting the fates decide.
In other news I met a girl.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
...
Dreams unreachable due to self created barriers and the inability to commit with force or action...
Slowely becomming more and more incommunicatable while at the same time the walls that carried me no longer inspire...
A room with no windows i keep speaking the same story
i know things tire...
but nothing holds
and
I just want something to move me to passion and catch me for more then a moment.
Slowely becomming more and more incommunicatable while at the same time the walls that carried me no longer inspire...
A room with no windows i keep speaking the same story
i know things tire...
but nothing holds
and
I just want something to move me to passion and catch me for more then a moment.
So as luck turns out...
I woke up a little on edge and sitting there waiting to be dosed i repeatedly reworked the odds of getting the high dose. Then something strange happened. I guess I managed to leave a good impression on the parametic because although no one is supposed to know who gets dosed, he decided tha to tell me that I was placebo bound.
2 Days later and I can say that he was being honest. Instead of all the puking and delusions that i was afraid of I have spent the last few days playing poker and reading the books that i had randomly in my backpack.
So it seems that my luck has finally turned positive again...finally. In 2 weeks i'll be able to pay off 1 1/2 credit cards and have some breathing room until the next study.
The next thing on my list is to get back to studying. I can never study for anything with i'm in a drug study... I'm not sure why, but ive never been able to study in confined spaces. Sitting at home i get NOTHING done, but heading to a noisy starbucks I can study non stop for hours. But with 2 months left until the test i think i'm still in the clear.
On a side, i'm finally going back to cornwall this weekend for the holidays. if your in Cornwall let me know and we'll go for beer.
2 Days later and I can say that he was being honest. Instead of all the puking and delusions that i was afraid of I have spent the last few days playing poker and reading the books that i had randomly in my backpack.
So it seems that my luck has finally turned positive again...finally. In 2 weeks i'll be able to pay off 1 1/2 credit cards and have some breathing room until the next study.
The next thing on my list is to get back to studying. I can never study for anything with i'm in a drug study... I'm not sure why, but ive never been able to study in confined spaces. Sitting at home i get NOTHING done, but heading to a noisy starbucks I can study non stop for hours. But with 2 months left until the test i think i'm still in the clear.
On a side, i'm finally going back to cornwall this weekend for the holidays. if your in Cornwall let me know and we'll go for beer.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Hitting up my scetchiest study ever.
a Long string of bad luck and i find myself really strapped for cash. To be fair, it is my own fault. I returned from Japan with my credit cards 3/4 paid off but between Christmas spending, apartment set up, and my high tolerance and general generosity when i drink and the holes in my pockets i found myself with no food money. Then came the dry spout of studies, and unexpected bills. When i actually got into a study i developed the stomach flu and couldn't even leave my bed let alone join the study. So, despite my better judgment i recently entered into a sketchier study.
At first it didn't sound that sketchy. Its for a new high dose THC based drug for cancer patients who have an immunity to the lower doses. The negative part is that I have no such immunity and neither do the other study participants. Here's the sketchy part. I am in the 5th group to do this study and in all 4 groups before me there have been some crazy ass side effects. I have a 1/4 chance of getting the highest dosage and of those who have gotten it there have been only a few that have managed no bad side effects. most have puked for days, a couple went to the hospital, and atleast 1 person i know of went temporarily clinically insane. I start the study in the morning and i'm a little nervous. After this study i definitely cannot get myself into this situation again. But, with the 2300 i'm making in the next 5 days at least ill have a jump on things.
On the other hand, if I see any talking rabbits i'll be sure to tell you guys next time i get a chance to get online....
wish me luck.
At first it didn't sound that sketchy. Its for a new high dose THC based drug for cancer patients who have an immunity to the lower doses. The negative part is that I have no such immunity and neither do the other study participants. Here's the sketchy part. I am in the 5th group to do this study and in all 4 groups before me there have been some crazy ass side effects. I have a 1/4 chance of getting the highest dosage and of those who have gotten it there have been only a few that have managed no bad side effects. most have puked for days, a couple went to the hospital, and atleast 1 person i know of went temporarily clinically insane. I start the study in the morning and i'm a little nervous. After this study i definitely cannot get myself into this situation again. But, with the 2300 i'm making in the next 5 days at least ill have a jump on things.
On the other hand, if I see any talking rabbits i'll be sure to tell you guys next time i get a chance to get online....
wish me luck.
Friday, March 14, 2008
bad luck
well it seems that I have been struck by a string of bad luck that has left me jobless, foodless, computer less (living in internt cafes now) and with -1.74 in the bank....
BUT, you guys know me... i bounce back quick and am always scemeing for the future. I'm writing my lsat's in a few months, might volunteer in india again, and then moving back to Japan. Lets just hope i can survive this reign of bad luck and make it until then....
BUT, you guys know me... i bounce back quick and am always scemeing for the future. I'm writing my lsat's in a few months, might volunteer in india again, and then moving back to Japan. Lets just hope i can survive this reign of bad luck and make it until then....
Monday, March 03, 2008
It is usually the little odd coincidences that sparks a smile on my face... and it is these smiles that carry me forward on the worst of days.... Today i wrote on my face book that i was a dreamer and a drifter who lacked confidence... Several hours later i recieved a cleverly disgused spam mail, the kind that usually annoys me, and found a crude message that left me with a half crocked smile on my face... the message read:
"A man who hangs loose and hangs large has more confidence when dealing with women."
ok so i'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.
Anyway, So ive been milling over a book idea. i'm not a great writer, but if the idea hasn't been done then the ideas atleast is gold. Luckily enough, its an idea that would commit myself to a long term project... one that will take long enough for my writing skills to catch up to my thinking process.
It seems that the more i try to focus on studying for the LSAT the more i tend to find myself thinking about anything but. But then again, i think i am just passing time anyway. Just standing still trying to get any barings possible before i jump yet again off another bridge hoping to be caught by the invisible man.
"A man who hangs loose and hangs large has more confidence when dealing with women."
ok so i'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.
Anyway, So ive been milling over a book idea. i'm not a great writer, but if the idea hasn't been done then the ideas atleast is gold. Luckily enough, its an idea that would commit myself to a long term project... one that will take long enough for my writing skills to catch up to my thinking process.
It seems that the more i try to focus on studying for the LSAT the more i tend to find myself thinking about anything but. But then again, i think i am just passing time anyway. Just standing still trying to get any barings possible before i jump yet again off another bridge hoping to be caught by the invisible man.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
So ive discovered that i'm not that great at being single.... or rather not that great at picking up at clubs or the like. The funny thing is that the old saying is true, when one is content happiness finds you and when one is looking it is like one is in a canoe with a hole, no paddle and a gator near by... There I was thinking that she was enjoying talking about existential fiction along side traveling tales.. that my lack of dancing skills was minuet in spite of the conversation.. only to find out later that she was just humoring me... Of course a bar is not exactly the place you would think intellectualism would fly, but in the very attempt i shows my awkwardness. I’m sure that if I HAD been in the position to be witty I could not have been.... And so the joke is rather that I’m like a limping cat in a dog show as of late...
Now, I’m not looking for pity here. Of course I know that the moment I’m ok with being single again i’ll have met someone or someone else will be back in my life or whatnot... I guess I’m just restless and miss having someone to wake up to without wondering if they will be there again... Ironically, it seems that once the opportunity comes for just that I seem to run and hide.... If there is a shrink out there reading this I’m sure I have a "commitment issues" comment coming... But truth is, I’m just waiting for someone worth dying for.... or maybe something worth living for.. Even for just a day...
Now, I’m not looking for pity here. Of course I know that the moment I’m ok with being single again i’ll have met someone or someone else will be back in my life or whatnot... I guess I’m just restless and miss having someone to wake up to without wondering if they will be there again... Ironically, it seems that once the opportunity comes for just that I seem to run and hide.... If there is a shrink out there reading this I’m sure I have a "commitment issues" comment coming... But truth is, I’m just waiting for someone worth dying for.... or maybe something worth living for.. Even for just a day...
Monday, February 04, 2008
Can't sleep
230 am and have to get up in a few hours.. but can't sleep. Some mornings I have to be up by 5 and other mornings i don't go to bed until 5... so you can probably guess my mental state as of late....
Still, some peace has arrived. I worry to much about the future. As long as i keep moving forward i have nothing to be ashamed of.... and so, lets leave that all to the side. but, on a side note... to those who have been following my wailing about the future and my ever changing ideas about what to do next... After I write the LSAT it looks like i might also try for the GMAT...lol. not sure where this is going to lead.. but we'll see.
So today was mostly a wasted day. Got out of my drug study this morning at around 7. After a study the loss of blood and sleep usually messes up my internal clock for a few days so basically i was no good until around supper time when i finally started doing a little studying.
As of now I have a hodge podge life. i'm taking 1 class at york (A fourth year philosophy of law class), a Japanese class coupled with a japanese cultural exchange, studying for LSATS, and doing 1-2 studies a month. Its an odd life but atleast i'm being semi-productive. On my off time i'm searching out programs on the internet trying to atleast narrow the options for the future.
um.. ok so this post is completly dull... but i'l have some more adventures soon... might head back to india this summer and then back pack china on my way back to japan... (since i didn't go over christmas after all) .. if that works out i'm sure i'll get myself into enough trouble (as always) to write about....
until then.. sorry for being lame.
Still, some peace has arrived. I worry to much about the future. As long as i keep moving forward i have nothing to be ashamed of.... and so, lets leave that all to the side. but, on a side note... to those who have been following my wailing about the future and my ever changing ideas about what to do next... After I write the LSAT it looks like i might also try for the GMAT...lol. not sure where this is going to lead.. but we'll see.
So today was mostly a wasted day. Got out of my drug study this morning at around 7. After a study the loss of blood and sleep usually messes up my internal clock for a few days so basically i was no good until around supper time when i finally started doing a little studying.
As of now I have a hodge podge life. i'm taking 1 class at york (A fourth year philosophy of law class), a Japanese class coupled with a japanese cultural exchange, studying for LSATS, and doing 1-2 studies a month. Its an odd life but atleast i'm being semi-productive. On my off time i'm searching out programs on the internet trying to atleast narrow the options for the future.
um.. ok so this post is completly dull... but i'l have some more adventures soon... might head back to india this summer and then back pack china on my way back to japan... (since i didn't go over christmas after all) .. if that works out i'm sure i'll get myself into enough trouble (as always) to write about....
until then.. sorry for being lame.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I'm loosing ground and gaining ground every day. I confuse myself in utter annoyence...
Because i joined classes half way through the year i could only get into 2 classes meaning it won't have any effect on my average after all so i'm wasting my time. On the other hand, i'm doing drug studies again soe i'm making 500 bucks more a month then I was in Japan so i will hopefully pay off some big bills before summer. Then again no i'm not moving forward in terms of career or school, but if i can keep myself movivated i'll be using this off time to study for my lsats (back up plan) and improve my japanese.
in the end i'm having a hard time not being lazy. spending the last 2 years buming around (lets be honest, i never did work that hard in japan) trying not to waste time is a hard task.
I think i'm just rambling here... things are good mostly. Heading back to Japan for sure this summer after I apply to a million schools. But i have a high B average so i'm not getting into anywhere that will be promising. Not that i have counted my chickens.... but its going to be an uphill battle i'm thinking... Of course its do-able... but at this point it can go either way. At 35 i'll either be living out of a box or making decent money... and really its a flip of the coin...lol
ok so i think the winter hybernation is really making me wako...lol
Because i joined classes half way through the year i could only get into 2 classes meaning it won't have any effect on my average after all so i'm wasting my time. On the other hand, i'm doing drug studies again soe i'm making 500 bucks more a month then I was in Japan so i will hopefully pay off some big bills before summer. Then again no i'm not moving forward in terms of career or school, but if i can keep myself movivated i'll be using this off time to study for my lsats (back up plan) and improve my japanese.
in the end i'm having a hard time not being lazy. spending the last 2 years buming around (lets be honest, i never did work that hard in japan) trying not to waste time is a hard task.
I think i'm just rambling here... things are good mostly. Heading back to Japan for sure this summer after I apply to a million schools. But i have a high B average so i'm not getting into anywhere that will be promising. Not that i have counted my chickens.... but its going to be an uphill battle i'm thinking... Of course its do-able... but at this point it can go either way. At 35 i'll either be living out of a box or making decent money... and really its a flip of the coin...lol
ok so i think the winter hybernation is really making me wako...lol
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