Dreams unreachable due to self created barriers and the inability to commit with force or action...
Slowely becomming more and more incommunicatable while at the same time the walls that carried me no longer inspire...
A room with no windows i keep speaking the same story
i know things tire...
but nothing holds
and
I just want something to move me to passion and catch me for more then a moment.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
So as luck turns out...
I woke up a little on edge and sitting there waiting to be dosed i repeatedly reworked the odds of getting the high dose. Then something strange happened. I guess I managed to leave a good impression on the parametic because although no one is supposed to know who gets dosed, he decided tha to tell me that I was placebo bound.
2 Days later and I can say that he was being honest. Instead of all the puking and delusions that i was afraid of I have spent the last few days playing poker and reading the books that i had randomly in my backpack.
So it seems that my luck has finally turned positive again...finally. In 2 weeks i'll be able to pay off 1 1/2 credit cards and have some breathing room until the next study.
The next thing on my list is to get back to studying. I can never study for anything with i'm in a drug study... I'm not sure why, but ive never been able to study in confined spaces. Sitting at home i get NOTHING done, but heading to a noisy starbucks I can study non stop for hours. But with 2 months left until the test i think i'm still in the clear.
On a side, i'm finally going back to cornwall this weekend for the holidays. if your in Cornwall let me know and we'll go for beer.
2 Days later and I can say that he was being honest. Instead of all the puking and delusions that i was afraid of I have spent the last few days playing poker and reading the books that i had randomly in my backpack.
So it seems that my luck has finally turned positive again...finally. In 2 weeks i'll be able to pay off 1 1/2 credit cards and have some breathing room until the next study.
The next thing on my list is to get back to studying. I can never study for anything with i'm in a drug study... I'm not sure why, but ive never been able to study in confined spaces. Sitting at home i get NOTHING done, but heading to a noisy starbucks I can study non stop for hours. But with 2 months left until the test i think i'm still in the clear.
On a side, i'm finally going back to cornwall this weekend for the holidays. if your in Cornwall let me know and we'll go for beer.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Hitting up my scetchiest study ever.
a Long string of bad luck and i find myself really strapped for cash. To be fair, it is my own fault. I returned from Japan with my credit cards 3/4 paid off but between Christmas spending, apartment set up, and my high tolerance and general generosity when i drink and the holes in my pockets i found myself with no food money. Then came the dry spout of studies, and unexpected bills. When i actually got into a study i developed the stomach flu and couldn't even leave my bed let alone join the study. So, despite my better judgment i recently entered into a sketchier study.
At first it didn't sound that sketchy. Its for a new high dose THC based drug for cancer patients who have an immunity to the lower doses. The negative part is that I have no such immunity and neither do the other study participants. Here's the sketchy part. I am in the 5th group to do this study and in all 4 groups before me there have been some crazy ass side effects. I have a 1/4 chance of getting the highest dosage and of those who have gotten it there have been only a few that have managed no bad side effects. most have puked for days, a couple went to the hospital, and atleast 1 person i know of went temporarily clinically insane. I start the study in the morning and i'm a little nervous. After this study i definitely cannot get myself into this situation again. But, with the 2300 i'm making in the next 5 days at least ill have a jump on things.
On the other hand, if I see any talking rabbits i'll be sure to tell you guys next time i get a chance to get online....
wish me luck.
At first it didn't sound that sketchy. Its for a new high dose THC based drug for cancer patients who have an immunity to the lower doses. The negative part is that I have no such immunity and neither do the other study participants. Here's the sketchy part. I am in the 5th group to do this study and in all 4 groups before me there have been some crazy ass side effects. I have a 1/4 chance of getting the highest dosage and of those who have gotten it there have been only a few that have managed no bad side effects. most have puked for days, a couple went to the hospital, and atleast 1 person i know of went temporarily clinically insane. I start the study in the morning and i'm a little nervous. After this study i definitely cannot get myself into this situation again. But, with the 2300 i'm making in the next 5 days at least ill have a jump on things.
On the other hand, if I see any talking rabbits i'll be sure to tell you guys next time i get a chance to get online....
wish me luck.
Friday, March 14, 2008
bad luck
well it seems that I have been struck by a string of bad luck that has left me jobless, foodless, computer less (living in internt cafes now) and with -1.74 in the bank....
BUT, you guys know me... i bounce back quick and am always scemeing for the future. I'm writing my lsat's in a few months, might volunteer in india again, and then moving back to Japan. Lets just hope i can survive this reign of bad luck and make it until then....
BUT, you guys know me... i bounce back quick and am always scemeing for the future. I'm writing my lsat's in a few months, might volunteer in india again, and then moving back to Japan. Lets just hope i can survive this reign of bad luck and make it until then....
Monday, March 03, 2008
It is usually the little odd coincidences that sparks a smile on my face... and it is these smiles that carry me forward on the worst of days.... Today i wrote on my face book that i was a dreamer and a drifter who lacked confidence... Several hours later i recieved a cleverly disgused spam mail, the kind that usually annoys me, and found a crude message that left me with a half crocked smile on my face... the message read:
"A man who hangs loose and hangs large has more confidence when dealing with women."
ok so i'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.
Anyway, So ive been milling over a book idea. i'm not a great writer, but if the idea hasn't been done then the ideas atleast is gold. Luckily enough, its an idea that would commit myself to a long term project... one that will take long enough for my writing skills to catch up to my thinking process.
It seems that the more i try to focus on studying for the LSAT the more i tend to find myself thinking about anything but. But then again, i think i am just passing time anyway. Just standing still trying to get any barings possible before i jump yet again off another bridge hoping to be caught by the invisible man.
"A man who hangs loose and hangs large has more confidence when dealing with women."
ok so i'm probably the only person who finds this amusing.
Anyway, So ive been milling over a book idea. i'm not a great writer, but if the idea hasn't been done then the ideas atleast is gold. Luckily enough, its an idea that would commit myself to a long term project... one that will take long enough for my writing skills to catch up to my thinking process.
It seems that the more i try to focus on studying for the LSAT the more i tend to find myself thinking about anything but. But then again, i think i am just passing time anyway. Just standing still trying to get any barings possible before i jump yet again off another bridge hoping to be caught by the invisible man.
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